I was just in a public toilet looking at myself in the mirror and I realised that I have one ear bigger than the other. I am a mutant! For about 17 years I have been wearing earings that look lopsided because they have been hanging from ear lobes that are at different heights due to the disproportionate size of my ears. I can't believe that NOBODY TOLD ME!!! I vow to spend the rest of my life tilting my head ever so slightly to the right in the hope that it evens things up a bit.
My sense of self has been so shaken that I'm off to write some bleak, stark existential poetry and drink some absinthe.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Random-a-rama
Juicebar and I tried to go furniture shopping the other day but things did not go exactly according to plan...
The shop was closed. It rained. Google maps auto-corrected us incorrectly and tried to send us to random places. We also managed to get lost a few times without the aid of Google maps. But despite such setbacks, the day was not a complete loss: I bought lots of random confectionary and foodstuffs, and a tin of Non-stick Spray-On Me.
How did this happen? I metaphorically hear you ask. Well I am going to tell you (non-metaphorically). We eventually found a furniture shop to look in, and just like in the movie Felix, Zosia and Juicebar in Wonderland, there was a supermarket on the bottom floor. I bought myself some Foul Madames because my supplies are running really low at the moment.
I also bought the afore-mentioned Non-stick Spray-On Me. It is actually cooking oil with my name as the brand but since my blog is semi-anonymous I can't really tell you what that is.
In other news, I am stuck in a loop of governmental proportions. Because I was unemployed for a couple of weeks (or "flexi-ployed" to use the PC term) several months ago, I now have to attend various meetings to prove that I have a job, in case I change my mind and suddenly want to not have a job again... or something... So although I concede that these phone calls and meetings are an utter waste of time it still surprised me yesterday when I was asked by someone who is supposedly qualified to help me find a job (should I want her to) how to spell PhD. Uhhh... yes: she asked me how to spell a three letter acronym.
The shop was closed. It rained. Google maps auto-corrected us incorrectly and tried to send us to random places. We also managed to get lost a few times without the aid of Google maps. But despite such setbacks, the day was not a complete loss: I bought lots of random confectionary and foodstuffs, and a tin of Non-stick Spray-On Me.
How did this happen? I metaphorically hear you ask. Well I am going to tell you (non-metaphorically). We eventually found a furniture shop to look in, and just like in the movie Felix, Zosia and Juicebar in Wonderland, there was a supermarket on the bottom floor. I bought myself some Foul Madames because my supplies are running really low at the moment.
I also bought the afore-mentioned Non-stick Spray-On Me. It is actually cooking oil with my name as the brand but since my blog is semi-anonymous I can't really tell you what that is.
In other news, I am stuck in a loop of governmental proportions. Because I was unemployed for a couple of weeks (or "flexi-ployed" to use the PC term) several months ago, I now have to attend various meetings to prove that I have a job, in case I change my mind and suddenly want to not have a job again... or something... So although I concede that these phone calls and meetings are an utter waste of time it still surprised me yesterday when I was asked by someone who is supposedly qualified to help me find a job (should I want her to) how to spell PhD. Uhhh... yes: she asked me how to spell a three letter acronym.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Career Change
I’ve decided that I am going to become an author. Here are my October New Release Titles:
1001 Animal Whisperer Stories To Read Before You Die
1001 ____-gate Scandals to Uncover Before You Die
1001 Vampire Stories To Get Sucked Into Before You Die
1001 Palliative Care Treatments To Undergo (Just) Before You Die
And if you are the person who stole Bilingual Jane’s cracked pepper at work then GIVE IT BACK YOU GROTTY LOWLIFE POO-BUM ARSE-WIPE FOOD SNIPE! Honestly, what kind of person would steal a condiment*?
*Obviously, I don't mean people who take little poackets of sugar from cafes because... like... everybody does that, right?
1001 Animal Whisperer Stories To Read Before You Die
1001 ____-gate Scandals to Uncover Before You Die
1001 Vampire Stories To Get Sucked Into Before You Die
1001 Palliative Care Treatments To Undergo (Just) Before You Die
And if you are the person who stole Bilingual Jane’s cracked pepper at work then GIVE IT BACK YOU GROTTY LOWLIFE POO-BUM ARSE-WIPE FOOD SNIPE! Honestly, what kind of person would steal a condiment*?
*Obviously, I don't mean people who take little poackets of sugar from cafes because... like... everybody does that, right?
Monday, September 14, 2009
Cripes!
Obviously all my recent yearning to be a secretary has left some lingering anti-feminist atoms in my body because a really scary thing happened the other day: While I was cooking dinner, Tall Boy changed a light bulb. It was so... domestic. Once we realised what we had done we completely freaked out. He quickly arranged some pink flowers on the table and I emptied the bin to be on the safe side.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Dear Clyde,
Thankyou for reading my previous letter and taking the comments on board. I hope you don't mind if I point something out to you? When I asked you to stop talking about your blisters, it wasn't really my idea that you start talking about your veins and surgical stockings instead. Perhaps we could avoid discussion of any health related matters at all until I leave.
Thanks again, Felix
Thankyou for reading my previous letter and taking the comments on board. I hope you don't mind if I point something out to you? When I asked you to stop talking about your blisters, it wasn't really my idea that you start talking about your veins and surgical stockings instead. Perhaps we could avoid discussion of any health related matters at all until I leave.
Thanks again, Felix
Thursday, September 3, 2009
How to Choose?
Guess what kids? I have found another crazy place to work (it might be sane but I am not expecting anything much these days)!! The only problem now is that I can't choose which resignation letter to use...
Dear Clyde,
I am writing to inform you that I have decided to resign from Crazy Town. The reason behind my decision is that I can no longer stand to listen to stories of your blisters or your grandchildren.
Sincerely, Felix
Dear Clyde,
I regret to inform you that I am no longer able to work for you at Crazy Town. I don’t have a really good reason for my decision to resign, except that I am an ungrateful churl who is selfishly ignorant of all the generous support you have shown me during my time as your slave – er - employee. I would like to take this opportunity to note the numerous times you (an innocent little lamb of a human being who only wants to help others) have been betrayed in such a callous and unfeeling way. For someone as astute, efficient and hardworking as yourself, it really is a mystery that this keeps happening to you. I would like to wish you all the best for the future of your business but I suspect that you will end up employing somebody else who will ultimately stab you in the back* for no discernable reason.
Reasonably sincerely, Felix
*”stab you in the back” being a synonym for “get another job” and also “use the sticky tape”, “forget to initial something”, “forget to empty the bin”, “send a text message on company time”, “not work fast enough”, “take a dinner break” , “breathe in the wrong way”…
Dear Sidekick of Clyde,
I am writing to inform you that I am resigning from Crazy Town. There are a number of reasons behind my decision but the main one is that I dislike you so intensely that I can hardly bear to be in the same room as you without shuddering. Please take this personally. I know that you take your role of Ogre/Manager very seriously and you do a really good job. You may or may not want to keep this up. I wish you a frustrating and mediocre future career, and hope to never see you again.
Regards, Felix
Dear Clyde,
I am writing to inform you of my decision to resign from Crazy Town. It has come to my attention that there is no such thing as a sarcasm font. I have decided to dedicate my life to developing one, and hope that you may feel proud that you were in some part an inspiration to the development and creation of this important work.
Regards, Felix
Dear Clyde,
I am writing to inform you that I have decided to resign from Crazy Town. The reason behind my decision is that I can no longer stand to listen to stories of your blisters or your grandchildren.
Sincerely, Felix
Dear Clyde,
I regret to inform you that I am no longer able to work for you at Crazy Town. I don’t have a really good reason for my decision to resign, except that I am an ungrateful churl who is selfishly ignorant of all the generous support you have shown me during my time as your slave – er - employee. I would like to take this opportunity to note the numerous times you (an innocent little lamb of a human being who only wants to help others) have been betrayed in such a callous and unfeeling way. For someone as astute, efficient and hardworking as yourself, it really is a mystery that this keeps happening to you. I would like to wish you all the best for the future of your business but I suspect that you will end up employing somebody else who will ultimately stab you in the back* for no discernable reason.
Reasonably sincerely, Felix
*”stab you in the back” being a synonym for “get another job” and also “use the sticky tape”, “forget to initial something”, “forget to empty the bin”, “send a text message on company time”, “not work fast enough”, “take a dinner break” , “breathe in the wrong way”…
Dear Sidekick of Clyde,
I am writing to inform you that I am resigning from Crazy Town. There are a number of reasons behind my decision but the main one is that I dislike you so intensely that I can hardly bear to be in the same room as you without shuddering. Please take this personally. I know that you take your role of Ogre/Manager very seriously and you do a really good job. You may or may not want to keep this up. I wish you a frustrating and mediocre future career, and hope to never see you again.
Regards, Felix
Dear Clyde,
I am writing to inform you of my decision to resign from Crazy Town. It has come to my attention that there is no such thing as a sarcasm font. I have decided to dedicate my life to developing one, and hope that you may feel proud that you were in some part an inspiration to the development and creation of this important work.
Regards, Felix
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
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