Praise The Lord!

Last Night I went on a Biblical shopping expedition. I bought bread and wine.

When Sleeping Becomes An Extreme Sport

Tallboy and I recently went to the mountains for a mini holiday. Being poor, and having great senses of humour, we decided to stay in a place that looked exactly like Fawlty Towers. It turned out to be exactly like Fawlty Towers if it had been run by one of the characters from Are You Being Served?

The bed was like an obstacle course for some kind of obscure European sport - a cross between curling and rock climbing. There was a 35 degree gradient towards the middle of the bed. I kept waking up at odd hours from dreams that were based on Indiana Jones type movies where I was hanging by the fingers from the edge of a pit full of boiling lava. Then a car horn went off across the street and kept going until the battery ran out. There were more crazy things about the place but I am too tired to bother writing any more.

Today Was A Good Day Because:

1. I woke from my dream this morning and retained the most brilliant idea that my subconscious has ever created: I need to buy a special new cake of soap that smells different from the current one. It might not sound like much but I am convinced that it will complete my life in ways I never knew were flawed.

2. I realised Marieke Hardy has become a fan of my blog! In this month's Frankie she spent several lines discussing "Two Thousand and Zen". That's totally my line and not at all derivative of my friend Hells Bells' adoption of "Two Thousand Mine" a little over 12 months ago.

3. I am now totally across all current fashion trends. I have just watched several back to back episodes of America's Next Top Model. The two "chaahck-let girls" are competition for each other. They go to New Zealand where people think they are " rilly sixy". I also learnt that "while sheep might be difficult to tell apart, it doesn't work for a top model". This show should be on every high school syllabus. It's not just entertaining, it's educational. And that's extremely important if you want to be intellect.

4. I now only talk to cats on facebook, not people. It solves everything.

5. I am not going bald, but my nemesis is.

Today Was A Bad Day Because:

1. I woke from my dream just before I was about to eat a white chocolate cream and pear eclair. Or maybe it was a white chocolate, cream, and pear eclair. I don't know because I never got to taste it and there was no punctuation in my dream. Can somebody please hurry up and invent this so that I can eat it because it looked AMAZING!

2. I remembered that I am not Marieke Hardy. She's bloody perfect: cute, sexy, funny, clever, writes for frankie magazine and sits around on TV talking about books.

3. I realised that I am completely out of the fashion loop because I do not have a Kim Jong-Il zip up tracksuit in my wardrobe.

Some Letters From St Felix To The All And Sundrians

Dear Lady Who Came Into My Shop And Asked Me To Zip Up Your Dress,

You're weird.

Love, Felix


Dear Cockroach I Killed This Morning,

I know that you can't read this because a) you're a cockroach and b) you're dead but I though a short note would be a convenient medium for me to tell my readers that I killed you by dropping a bag of money on you. This amused me greatly and I feel it could serve as some kind of metaphor in a piece of highbrow, postmodern fiction. If I ever get around to writing such a work you can be assured that you will live in posterity among the great bugs of literature, like the one in Kafka's Metamorphosis.

Love, Felix


Dear Bertoni Baristas,

I've got you sussed: I have managed to decode the little squiggles you write on the coffee cups so I know they say the colour of whatever the person ordering is wearing. This makes it look like you remember them as indiviuals when their coffee is ready when actually you are just looking at their tops. As well as this, it means you can look at all the ladies' boobs.

I still haven't figured out how you manage to convince so many people that sitting on upturned milk crates is a cool and comfortable alternative to actual chairs. But you've managed it somehow so snaps to you.

Love, Felix

P.S. when you say "ciao" and "bella" it doesn't make me believe you are Italian. Nice try though.

A Quality Education

I spent my entire 13 years of schooling in the Catholic Education System. It occurred to me the other day that the pinnacle of my primary and secondary education combined was the time a heavily pregnant ex-nun put condoms on the bottom of chair legs in our year 10 Science class.

Bilingual Jane Tells It Like It Is

Taxi driver at 1.30am on a country road: *&%#$@*%$#*@#!!!!!

Bilingual Jane: So you've had a busy night, have you?

Taxi driver at 1.30am on a country road: I've been so busy I haven't had time to scratch m'self!

Bilingual Jane: Hmmm. You really need to make that a priority.