Where Too Much Talent Is Never Enough

As usual, the long and silent break from blogging has been due to my busy schedule; this time, I have been working on a large and utterly un-important but much fun project with a number of collaborators. We have written a book! Ok, I'll be honest: we have written as much of a book as you can in one night when wine and food consumption was also taking up valuable time. The fruits of this project will soon appear on the lustrious space that is Felix For Zosia. In the meantime, a word from Billingual Jane (part of the team): "Molto sexuale. Quanto pasta. Ok we have to think of a good ending... coz we're at dessert!"

Why Is Everything So Hard?

Ok, there is a lot of really shitty frustrating stuff in my life right now, but I have realised that there isreally only one thing that needs to happen which will fix almost everything:

Breed square pigs.

I was making a ham sandwich the other day, and my piece of ham came in a big, double smoked, fatty circle of meat. My bread was square. The two shapes did not fit and I wasted precious seconds (that could have been used more efficiently, like by coming up with a cure for cancer or something) folding and ripping the ham to fit on the bread. If the ham came in a square shape to begin with I would have produced a delightful sandwich AND discovered the cure for cancer and the reason this didn't happen is all the fault of the lazy, dullard pig farmers who need to get their shit together.

I Speak A Clear English

I love to search the job ads when i can't think of anything to write on my blog - it is so easy to find material. I am just going to cut and paste this one as I think you can't mess with genius and it's perfect all on its own":

Profetional Food Runner

Must have worked at least five years in hospitality,if not we can provide you with a certficate trought Tafe if u r Australian resident .If u r not u must have working visa and have a great knowledge of the itlian cuisine
Must have a good understanding of English and speak a clear English.
We need a long therm commitment from who takes on the job
If u r a team player send in your resume

Also, if you are semi-literate in at least one language (it doesn't matter which one as we won't be able to understand you anyway), we'd love to hear from you. Must be a team player, dynamic, able to work as part of a team, dynamic, dynamic and knowledgeable in either basic food preparation or sewer drainage.

Secret Love Children Exposed!!!

I know I haven't posted on this thing properly for ages, but I have been doing some serious undercover research. Here is what I found out:


SJP had a baby that she thought was stolen by a dingo:






Not quite sure what Liza Minnelli was doing while she was married to Peter Allen but presumably she had to get rid of the evidence (which became Julian Cleary)



And finally... Layne Beachley's long search for her natural birth mother has finally ended:

"oh you can smell the nerd"

Thus spake Juicebar as we walked past a gaming shop at closing time and all the staff swarmed out together. Each one was so different and unique, yet so very, very nerdy. There was one of every kind: the girl with thick glasses and unnatural, bright hair; the pale and wan young man in dusty black who looks as though he has not been out in the sun since his christening; the young man who would be pale and wan yet is cowed with a rampant affliction of acne, and possibly also a skin allergy; the Asian geek with thin, square glasses frames designed in 1991 and an IQ so high he is left unable to boil an egg or figure out how the washing machine works; and finally the guy with the long pony tail who always tucks his shirt into his pants and never wears jeans. Really, they were Spice Girls of Geek.

Girl Power

As I lay in bed staring at the ceiling the other day, I got to thinking about how the feminists are leaving too many stones unturned. The battle for changing "manhole" to "personhole" has, I feel, been lost but that is no reason to give up the fight for equality on other words. Perhaps more women would take up a person-dolin than a mandolin?

Further to this, why are there not cuntroaches as well as cockroaches? While I know that a rooster is male, surely the noise it makes ought not be gender specific, so I encourage all and sundry to do away with "cock-a-doodle do" and instead embrace (at least 50% of the time) "cunt-a-woowoo do" or, if you prefer: "cunt-a-front-bottom do" or "cunt-a-vajayjay-do".

What's The Matter Walter - Chicken?

I think I am fairly balanced and fair, and I wouldn't call myself a snob or anything, but I have to say there are loads of things better about PoPo, our new hood, than the shit-encrusted, poxy rat-hole we lived in before. Ok, maybe I am being just a tiny bit dramatic. In actual fact, I can only think of two things that are better in PoPo: real estate agents and chicken carcasses. Other than that, things remain largely unchanged in my lifestyle.*

But I don't want to give the impression that these are minor changes, because not having to deal with Walter the Farting Dog (our former real estate agent) has put years on my life. As for the chicken carcasses, well... I could explain that one but it isn't quite so funny.


*Usually this word means one of 3 things: homosexuality, sexual promiscuity, or interior design. I just want it to mean "the style of my life".