Spam, Wonderful Spam!

Dear Elza Sizemore,

Thank you for taking the time to send me an email offering me a job with your company; Woodtopia Ltd.  Please forgive me if the combination of your name and your company’s name led me to believe that you were trying to sell me penis enlargement products. As it is, I don’t have a penis and I am not interested in obtaining one.

Kind Regards, Felix

If The Shoe Fits...

Walking through Kings Cross the other night it struck me that the young women of today are a little confused in the footwear department. Why do they all suddenly seem to be wearing shoes that look like armchairs?
 Not sure what I'm talking about? Well imagine a couple of these on your feet:

At times I am prone to exaggeration but this is a fairly accurate representation of what I am seeing on the streets these days.  It is hard enough for the poor dears to walk in them but watching them attempt to dance in utterly tragic; they look like epileptic ponies.

I spent some time pondering what I have just written here and it felt weirdly unfinished like there was something more to add... and then I realised: people don't conclude conversations with mere words these days, they have to use hashtags to sum up what they have just used words to say. #epilepticponies #hashtag

Christ On A Bike?

Apparently Christ isn't always on a bike, today he is wearing a white coat and wielding the scalpel at my local dental surgery. I am trying to find a dentist a bit closer to home than my old one and because I have a dental phobia my criteria are slightly odd

FYI the criteria are:
1. must not have a Greek surname unless female because the thought of big, fat, hairy fingers in my mouth is so horrific that I can't even contemplate the idea that the dentist may be of the tall, tan, Adonis type, just in case
2. must not advertise "our dental directors" because that sounds bloody expensive to maintain and I am not interested in contributing
3. Must have studied at an English speaking university because I want to understand readily and without deciphering thick accents exactly how much pain I will be in and for how long
4. (admittedly difficult to ascertain) Must be impartial to and NOT passionate about the subject of cars or similarly boring subjects.  My dental phobias stem from the time the anaesthetic didn't work and I spent an hour in agony listening to the dentist drone on about how awesome Volvos are.

And now back to my search: I find a listing for a dental surgery in the CBD, click on the link to the website and a song starts to play. Seems a bit of a poncy thing to do, plus the music sounds like total shit so I decide that I can't possibly see a dentist who has such terrible taste in music but before I have a chance to turn it off I catch the lyric and am arrested in horror:

Give thanks with an open heart
Give thanks to the holy one

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? You think that forgoing faith in Science and the Medical profession is OK as long as you profess faith in a non physical entity of dubious reality?
I am NOT putting my faith in God when it comes to anything, but most especially not situations involving DRILLS in my MOUTH.  Put simply, nothing could be calculated to terrify me more.

Mysteries Of The Universe

I've been doing some deep thinking lately and have reached the conclusion that there are certain things in this world that I will never understand. I have complied a list:

1. Deleuze
2. Leafblowers

Overheard in a (rival) Bookshop

Customer: Do you have, am not sure of  title in English but I think it is The Prince. Do you have The Prince? Do you know it?

Sales Assistant: I don't know that one. Is it about a prince?

Customer: Yes! Is about prince!

Sales Assistant: It's about Prince?

Customer: Yes!!

Sales Assistant: If we did have a book about Prince it would be in the music section but I can tell you now we definitely don't have it because I've just been in the music section and it's not there. Sorry!

Doing my Bit For Society

Peter Fitz Slime-Ons, I'd just like to let you know that I strayed from professional demeanor and told a few customers yesterday how much I dislike you.  To one person, I said "He's probably my least favourite person in the world".  Tallboy thought this a bit extreme but as I pointed out "I haven't met Kim Jong Il so I don't really know what he's like".

Work Schmork

Yesterday at work I got called "a very pleasant human search function".  Not really sure I can add anything to that one...

I also had to fax a far flung post office twice (on behalf of someone we sent a parcel to) because they have a phone/fax line that nobody can call them on since it is always switched to fax. They only have the one line. Way to go, Australia Post! If I were chirpy enough to think of an appropriately rude and ironic award  then I would bestow one on you.  As it is, I am far too grumpy, bitter and down trodden to be bothered.

I suspect I may be in need of a holiday.  There are always teeny, tiny little clues to working out when this is the case so perhaps we can review the evidence together and see where I'm at on the Need A Holiday Meter: Yesterday, I wrote on a piece of paper "I am sick of humanity".  I also said to a colleague "I am sick of books, I am sick of people and I am sick of bookshops and I hate everything and I don't care anymore".  Whatcha reckon?