High Wattage

Telstra appears to be run on a special power source called Fuckwattage.

I have been without the interwebs for nearly two months and the only reason this event has not completely ruined my life is that I am not currently a participant of any online dating services.

The final chapter in this bruised and bloody saga was the technician arriving "first thing"today to finish off the job that was truncated yesterday when his drill ran out of power.  Current English language usage suggests "first thing" means 7 or 8am.  He arrived at  2.14pm.

I now plan to catch up on my facebook stalking and watching of inane videos involving small animals behaving oddly.

Dynamic, Go-Getting Multi-taskers Look No Further!

Dear Monash University Hargrave-Andrew Library,

Please consider the following feedback on your job ad for a Serials and Reserve Officer (part time)

1. I highly doubt that the successful applicant will actually be working in a “dynamic” team. It is a library for Germain’s sake, one of the few workplaces where being dynamic would be more of a drawback than an asset, unless you have developed the first library-cum-cabaret-stage space in Australia, in which case I can kind of see your point.

2. “Monash is a dynamic university”. Please – you’re writing this from a library – get a goddamn thesaurus and find another adjective!

3. “As the Serials and Reserves Officer you will be responsible for supervising the activities of others working with serials at Hargrave-Andrews Library and for liasing with staff in other locations.” Soooo… you want someone to watch other people work and to gossip with other librarians? Sounds like a sweet deal, but not especially dynamic.

4. “You will also be part of the Lending Services team and contribute to lending services, including rostered service point shifts and creating electronic reading lists.” I guess that although “rostered service point shifts” sounds to me like a car part, it is probably something librarian-y. It’s probably fairly un-dynamic too. As for creating electronic reading lists, that sounds like what I do with iTunes but using books instead of songs. I can do that! Look:

SOCIAL STATUS AND SOCIAL ISSUES IN 19^th CENTURY LITERATURE

1. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2. The Pickwick Papers – Charles Dickens
3. Little Women - Lousia May Alcott
4. The Talented Tenth – W.E.B De Bois

5. And finally: “To be successful you will have… the ability to work as part of a team or independently” What? You mean either ability will do? Well, I must say that’s pretty flexible.  As far as I am concerned I can definitely do either of those things.  I generally decide on the day which one it is I feel like.  Would that be ok?

So I guess you can consider this my dynamic application for the job. And by the way, I have been sipping a cup of tea while writing this so let's put "ability to multitask" down on my attributes list as well, shall we?

Thanks, love from Felix

Spam, Wonderful Spam!

Dear Elza Sizemore,

Thank you for taking the time to send me an email offering me a job with your company; Woodtopia Ltd.  Please forgive me if the combination of your name and your company’s name led me to believe that you were trying to sell me penis enlargement products. As it is, I don’t have a penis and I am not interested in obtaining one.

Kind Regards, Felix

If The Shoe Fits...

Walking through Kings Cross the other night it struck me that the young women of today are a little confused in the footwear department. Why do they all suddenly seem to be wearing shoes that look like armchairs?
 Not sure what I'm talking about? Well imagine a couple of these on your feet:

At times I am prone to exaggeration but this is a fairly accurate representation of what I am seeing on the streets these days.  It is hard enough for the poor dears to walk in them but watching them attempt to dance in utterly tragic; they look like epileptic ponies.

I spent some time pondering what I have just written here and it felt weirdly unfinished like there was something more to add... and then I realised: people don't conclude conversations with mere words these days, they have to use hashtags to sum up what they have just used words to say. #epilepticponies #hashtag

Christ On A Bike?

Apparently Christ isn't always on a bike, today he is wearing a white coat and wielding the scalpel at my local dental surgery. I am trying to find a dentist a bit closer to home than my old one and because I have a dental phobia my criteria are slightly odd

FYI the criteria are:
1. must not have a Greek surname unless female because the thought of big, fat, hairy fingers in my mouth is so horrific that I can't even contemplate the idea that the dentist may be of the tall, tan, Adonis type, just in case
2. must not advertise "our dental directors" because that sounds bloody expensive to maintain and I am not interested in contributing
3. Must have studied at an English speaking university because I want to understand readily and without deciphering thick accents exactly how much pain I will be in and for how long
4. (admittedly difficult to ascertain) Must be impartial to and NOT passionate about the subject of cars or similarly boring subjects.  My dental phobias stem from the time the anaesthetic didn't work and I spent an hour in agony listening to the dentist drone on about how awesome Volvos are.

And now back to my search: I find a listing for a dental surgery in the CBD, click on the link to the website and a song starts to play. Seems a bit of a poncy thing to do, plus the music sounds like total shit so I decide that I can't possibly see a dentist who has such terrible taste in music but before I have a chance to turn it off I catch the lyric and am arrested in horror:

Give thanks with an open heart
Give thanks to the holy one

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? You think that forgoing faith in Science and the Medical profession is OK as long as you profess faith in a non physical entity of dubious reality?
I am NOT putting my faith in God when it comes to anything, but most especially not situations involving DRILLS in my MOUTH.  Put simply, nothing could be calculated to terrify me more.

Mysteries Of The Universe

I've been doing some deep thinking lately and have reached the conclusion that there are certain things in this world that I will never understand. I have complied a list:

1. Deleuze
2. Leafblowers

Overheard in a (rival) Bookshop

Customer: Do you have, am not sure of  title in English but I think it is The Prince. Do you have The Prince? Do you know it?

Sales Assistant: I don't know that one. Is it about a prince?

Customer: Yes! Is about prince!

Sales Assistant: It's about Prince?

Customer: Yes!!

Sales Assistant: If we did have a book about Prince it would be in the music section but I can tell you now we definitely don't have it because I've just been in the music section and it's not there. Sorry!