Thursday, July 30, 2009

Swizzy Tim and the Vom Vom

A tale of love and hate

My dear friend Swizzy Tim likes to express his gut emotions. Here are two tales about him (the first has become lore, and the second only happened last month):

Swizzy Time and NLJ were mates in a casual sort of way until one night when their friendship reached a new level of closeness. We were having a house party at the tower and Swizzy Time had been drinking rather a lot. He was with a group of people in NLJ’s room, admiring NLJ’s keyboard* when all of a sudden his eyes glazed over, he began to look unwell and NLJ had time for nothing but to cup his hands under the ensuing remnants of Swizzy Tim’s dinner, thus happily saving his keyboard and cementing a lifelong friendship with Swizzy Tim.

Swizzy Tim was recently embroiled in a love triangle, which ended as soon as he found out that he was embroiled in a love triangle. Heartbroken and bitter**, he spent the evening angrily strumming his guitar *** and drinking a combination of red wine and whisky.

(Swizzy Tim has asked me to advertise all salient details like name, address and physical description of the She Devil but I’ll just say her name starts with R and she works in Customer Complaints for an airline. If any of you are time-rich enough to track her down and slap her in the face on behalf of Swizzy Tim for instigating the love triangle saga I wouldn’t want to spoil your fun by making it too easy.)

So She Devil R. came around that night to be verbally abused by Swizzy Tim. She went upstairs to his room while he spoke briefly with his housemates. He then followed her upstairs to find her lying on the floor. She sat up, and he sat down next to her and … spewed all over her, which is the last thing he remembers of that night. She is now known by all and sundry as Spewy.

*I know that sounds like a euphemism, but it isn’t.

** For about a day and a half

*** Again, not a euphemism

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Crazy is the New Crazy

My workplace is like being stuck inside a Greek myth. There is an endless repetition of pointless tasks to be performed, and no matter how many of them you do, there will be the same amount or more waiting for you at the start of your next shift. I often feel like my stomach is being picked out by vultures too. Obviously this is one of the myths where (rather than something mighty and heroic like a horse) Zeus chose to turn into something idiotic like a stoat that is of absolutely no help in getting me rescued at all.

Monday, July 20, 2009


It turns out that my new workplace is even crazier than the old but I think it is actually beyond the point of being funny. Or maybe I am beyond the point of being amused. I keep getting told off for things that I may or may not do in the future. At least in the last place if I moved the sticky tape I got yelled and that is fair enough in Crazy Land. I mean, I did move the sticky tape. Now I get told off for the possibility that I may be considering moving the sticky tape sometime next week.

Instead of The Eye I work for an orangutan. That is to say, I work for "a large, long-armed anthropoid ape".

The Orangutan is married to another Major Dick who could be the first Major Dick's twin brother.

End of Chapter One, by Sick To Death of Crazy (filling in for Zosia)

Monday, July 13, 2009

Top 5...

…things that have been annoying me this week:

...or to be more precise: things that were annoying my about 3 weeks ago when I started trying to write this post:

1. People who own shops (and have done so for many years) but pronounce Eftpos “eff toss” which is rather rude when you think about it.

2. Alannis Morisette: Rain on your wedding day is only ironic if you are marrying a drought stricken farmer who hasn’t seen rain for 5 years and it rains so much the car park at the wedding reception place gets flooded so your beautiful white dress gets very muddy, and you can’t rinse it clean because there is no water in the taps due to the extreme severity of said drought.

3. Cat Stevens.

...As you can see, I only came up with 3 things for my list. The problem is that I have been in far too good a mood to be annoyed lately which is Bad News for Blog. The reason for the good mood is that I have found myself a Tall Boy. This is perhaps somewhat ironic (Alannis, are you paying attention?) because I have been looking for a tallboy. Maybe it's not ironic, maybe it's just in the Bad Dad Joke category. It's hard to tell because definitions of irony don't ususally come with any information on the inclusion of wordplay and puns. Anyway, I am still looking for a tallboy because I need somewhere to put my clothes. While my Tall Boy does have drawers, they are not the kind you can put clothes in.