Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I'll Have a J for Junk, Thanks Adriana

Are people who send phising emails statistically more likely to have the name Adriana? Or are the emails I received from Adriana Walker, Adriana Gonzalez and Adriana Wilson in the last month all from a bigamist?  Here is a sample of her (their) correspondence:

Hey how are you? My name is Adriana I tried emailing you a few times without any respsonse. 
anyway babes just wanted to let you know i finally got my webcam working and was wondering
if you want to cyber with me :)
I'm on my bed right now half naked and waiting for you to connect with me ... its 100% free
to chat with me and I can get you free VIP codes to chat with me here.

Hi Adriana,
Sorry I didn't respond (or, indeed, respsond if that's what you really wanted) to your previous emails but the thing is that I can't get down and dirty with people who use a lower case i when referring to themselves. It's just a weird thing that I have. 

Since my stony silence doesn't seem to have put you off, I might as well clarify a few other things you might find useful to know:

- I am too busy responding to emails from Canadian Pharmacy and Male Enhancement, not to mention FuckBook, to read yours.

 - While I appreciate your very delightful offer to chat, I don't need VIP codes to chat with my friends, so I think I'll pass; you make it all so unnecessarily complicated.

-You don't appear to have noticed from the unequivocally feminine name which makes up the first part of my email address that I am, in fact, female. What this means is that I am crushingly underwhelmed by your boast about being half naked. You see, I have no qualms about being completely naked and merely looking in the mirror.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Felix Becomes All Literary And Shit

Imagine me, if you will. sitting by a fire in a book lined room. Brandy in one hand, martini in the other, furiously typing away, with a cigar in one hand and a cup of strong black coffee in the other, a bottle of half empty wine at my elbow, a glass of sherry in my hand,  and a pipe clenched between my teeth which I periodically take out and wave about to make a point. I am writing a Book Review.  If you are able to peer over my shoulder and see through the mingled cigar and pipe smoke, this is what you would find on my computer screen:

... is the silliest book I have ever had the misfortune to read. 

It is supposedly an erotic retelling of a classic but I have been more aroused by Sweet Valley High books. 

You should grab a copy to read if you like your fiction badly paced, derivative, completely unsexy, yawningly mediocre and peppered with ridiculous, one-dimensional characters. 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

As If A 9 Person Queue In The Bank Wasn't Annoying Enough

Dear Old Lady Pensioner who pushed in front of me in the queue at the bank yesterday,

There are a few things I would like to tell you:

1. You bitch! I bet you steal candy from babies too.

2. Although cardigans in general are not necessarily unfashionable, yours is. It looks like shit.

3. You pissed me off quite a bit yesterday, but then I realised that you probably only pushed in front of me because you have Altzheimer's, and actually forgot  how queues are supposed to work. 

4. You need a shave.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

Things Men Don’t Understand (A List for Women to Laugh at and A Guide for Men to Learn From)

  1. Vegetables. There are lots of them and they taste delicious. Sometimes, you can eat them WITHOUT MEAT!

  1. Musicals. They are awesome.  It might seem like a ridiculous idea to make a movie that is full of people jumping up and dancing about the place while singing songs at you but, let’s face it, it is no less ridiculous than a movie with Will Smith and lots of bombs and car chases in it. In fact, try to imagine a car chase scene every time there is a song and you will find watching the movie an enjoyable and entertaining experience. It won’t make any difference to your understanding of the plot, either.

  1. Clothes. One always needs more.  It is quite complicated to explain exactly why this is, and there are probably loads of fancy sounding theories written up by people who have above average intelligence, no social skills, and personal lives that are about as much fun as watching dust accumulate, since they spend all their time examining society instead of participating in it, but let’s skip the detail and put it under the category of Mysterious But Important.

  1. Cheese. How did that get on the list? Everybody loves cheese!

  1. High Heels, Makeup and Other Time Consuming and/or Painful Looking Feminine Miscellany. Women just do that shit because other women do it and they don’t want to be told they look weird/fat/butch/ugly etc.

  1. Weddings. It’s all about being the centre of attention in a huge dress. If anyone can come up with a different way to make this happen for a woman she’ll probably be perfectly content. Especially if the event also involves one or more people crying with happiness.

  1. Crying With Happiness. Hmmm. This requires some thought. Please check back in a week (let’s be honest, I am never going to get around to figuring this out. If you come with a good answer then drop me a line and if it is funny, punchy and clever sounding I will write it up and claim it was my idea all along. Sound good?)

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Dear Terry WetWet,
Thankyou ever so much for the kind invitation to cum check out your FucBook page. I certainly do appreciate such delightful and welcoming hospitality. Since you invited me three times, you either really want me to visit the page, or you really like multiples of three, in which case I suggest you change your surname to Wet Wet Wet. I'm going to pass your details on to Cute N HornyGirl and sex_sex_nice2 because I have a feeling you would get along well together.

Kind regards,

Thursday, March 22, 2012

High Wattage

Telstra appears to be run on a special power source called Fuckwattage.

I have been without the interwebs for nearly two months and the only reason this event has not completely ruined my life is that I am not currently a participant of any online dating services.

The final chapter in this bruised and bloody saga was the technician arriving "first thing"today to finish off the job that was truncated yesterday when his drill ran out of power.  Current English language usage suggests "first thing" means 7 or 8am.  He arrived at  2.14pm.

I now plan to catch up on my facebook stalking and watching of inane videos involving small animals behaving oddly.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Dynamic, Go-Getting Multi-taskers Look No Further!

Dear Monash University Hargrave-Andrew Library,

Please consider the following feedback on your job ad for a Serials and Reserve Officer (part time)

  1. I highly doubt that the successful applicant will actually be working in a “dynamic” team. It is a library for Germain’s sake, one of the few workplaces where being dynamic would be more of a drawback than an asset, unless you have developed the first library-cum-cabaret-stage space in Australia, in which case I can kind of see your point.

  1. “Monash is a dynamic university”. Please – you’re writing this from a library – get a goddamn thesaurus and find another adjective!

  1. “As the Serials and Reserves Officer you will be responsible for supervising the activities of others working with serials at Hargrave-Andrews Library and for liasing with staff in other locations.” Soooo… you want someone to watch other people work and to gossip with other librarians? Sounds like a sweet deal, but not especially dynamic.

  1. “You will also be part of the Lending Services team and contribute to lending services, including rostered service point shifts and creating electronic reading lists.” I guess that although “rostered service point shifts” sounds to me like a car part, it is probably something librarian-y. It’s probably fairly un-dynamic too. As for creating electronic reading lists, that sounds like what I do with iTunes but using books instead of songs. I can do that! Look:

  1. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
  2. The Pickwick Papers – Charles Dickens
  3. Little Women - Lousia May Alcott
  4. The Talented Tenth – W.E.B De Bois

  1. And finally: “To be successful you will have… the ability to work as part of a team or independently” What? You mean either ability will do? Well, I must say that’s pretty flexible.  As far as I am concerned I can definitely do either of those things.  I generally decide on the day which one it is I feel like.  Would that be ok?
So I guess you can consider this my dynamic application for the job. And by the way, I have been sipping a cup of tea while writing this so let's put "ability to multitask" down on my attributes list as well, shall we?

Thanks, love from Felix

Friday, March 9, 2012

Spam, Wonderful Spam!

Dear Elza Sizemore,

Thank you for taking the time to send me an email offering me a job with your company; Woodtopia Ltd.  Please forgive me if the combination of your name and your company’s name led me to believe that you were trying to sell me penis enlargement products. As it is, I don’t have a penis and I am not interested in obtaining one.

Kind Regards, Felix

Thursday, February 9, 2012

If The Shoe Fits...

Walking through Kings Cross the other night it struck me that the young women of today are a little confused in the footwear department. Why do they all suddenly seem to be wearing shoes that look like armchairs?
 Not sure what I'm talking about? Well imagine a couple of these on your feet:

At times I am prone to exaggeration but this is a fairly accurate representation of what I am seeing on the streets these days.  It is hard enough for the poor dears to walk in them but watching them attempt to dance in utterly tragic; they look like epileptic ponies.

I spent some time pondering what I have just written here and it felt weirdly unfinished like there was something more to add... and then I realised: people don't conclude conversations with mere words these days, they have to use hashtags to sum up what they have just used words to say. #epilepticponies #hashtag

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Christ On A Bike?

Apparently Christ isn't always on a bike, today he is wearing a white coat and wielding the scalpel at my local dental surgery. I am trying to find a dentist a bit closer to home than my old one and because I have a dental phobia my criteria are slightly odd

FYI the criteria are:
1. must not have a Greek surname unless female because the thought of big, fat, hairy fingers in my mouth is so horrific that I can't even contemplate the idea that the dentist may be of the tall, tan, Adonis type, just in case
2. must not advertise "our dental directors" because that sounds bloody expensive to maintain and I am not interested in contributing
3. Must have studied at an English speaking university because I want to understand readily and without deciphering thick accents exactly how much pain I will be in and for how long
4. (admittedly difficult to ascertain) Must be impartial to and NOT passionate about the subject of cars or similarly boring subjects.  My dental phobias stem from the time the anaesthetic didn't work and I spent an hour in agony listening to the dentist drone on about how awesome Volvos are.

And now back to my search: I find a listing for a dental surgery in the CBD, click on the link to the website and a song starts to play. Seems a bit of a poncy thing to do, plus the music sounds like total shit so I decide that I can't possibly see a dentist who has such terrible taste in music but before I have a chance to turn it off I catch the lyric and am arrested in horror:

Give thanks with an open heart
Give thanks to the holy one

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? You think that forgoing faith in Science and the Medical profession is OK as long as you profess faith in a non physical entity of dubious reality?
I am NOT putting my faith in God when it comes to anything, but most especially not situations involving DRILLS in my MOUTH.  Put simply, nothing could be calculated to terrify me more.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Mysteries Of The Universe

I've been doing some deep thinking lately and have reached the conclusion that there are certain things in this world that I will never understand. I have complied a list:

1. Deleuze
2. Leafblowers

Friday, January 13, 2012

Overheard in a (rival) Bookshop

Customer: Do you have, am not sure of  title in English but I think it is The Prince. Do you have The Prince? Do you know it?

Sales Assistant: I don't know that one. Is it about a prince?

Customer: Yes! Is about prince!

Sales Assistant: It's about Prince?

Customer: Yes!!

Sales Assistant: If we did have a book about Prince it would be in the music section but I can tell you now we definitely don't have it because I've just been in the music section and it's not there. Sorry!