Monday, May 24, 2010

Dear Mirvac Shopping Centre

Dear Mirvac Shopping Centre,

I have had a really great idea for a contraption that I think you could use in your Broadway Shopping Centre. I think it would be an ace alternative to your leaf blower that your staff like to use on the outside ramp at one a.m. on Monday mornings. I live quite near that ramp so I have been able to closely observe the flaws with your leaf blower. First of all, it is very loud and it wakes up the neighbours (ie me). The essential problem is that a leaf blower is nothing more than a reverse vacuum cleaner. Vacuum cleaners are quite good machines so if you take the basic principle and make it go backwards then ... you're totally fucking it up. Anyway, here is a picture of a prototype that I have developed that I think you should consider using:

Give me the nod and I will swing it into production and you can have a 10% discount.

Thanks, Felix

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Top 5... Songs That Have Been Stuck In My Head This Week

1. Buttons (the Sia one, not the Pussycat Dolls one. Although I keep wondering if my subconscious will make the connection. I hope not)

2. The theme from The Nanny

3. Buttons, by Sia

4. Buttons, by Sia

5. Sia - I am going to fucking kill you!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Praise The Lord!

Last Night I went on a Biblical shopping expedition. I bought bread and wine.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

When Sleeping Becomes An Extreme Sport

Tallboy and I recently went to the mountains for a mini holiday. Being poor, and having great senses of humour, we decided to stay in a place that looked exactly like Fawlty Towers. It turned out to be exactly like Fawlty Towers if it had been run by one of the characters from Are You Being Served?

The bed was like an obstacle course for some kind of obscure European sport - a cross between curling and rock climbing. There was a 35 degree gradient towards the middle of the bed. I kept waking up at odd hours from dreams that were based on Indiana Jones type movies where I was hanging by the fingers from the edge of a pit full of boiling lava. Then a car horn went off across the street and kept going until the battery ran out. There were more crazy things about the place but I am too tired to bother writing any more.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Today Was A Good Day Because:

1. I woke from my dream this morning and retained the most brilliant idea that my subconscious has ever created: I need to buy a special new cake of soap that smells different from the current one. It might not sound like much but I am convinced that it will complete my life in ways I never knew were flawed.

2. I realised Marieke Hardy has become a fan of my blog! In this month's Frankie she spent several lines discussing "Two Thousand and Zen". That's totally my line and not at all derivative of my friend Hells Bells' adoption of "Two Thousand Mine" a little over 12 months ago.

3. I am now totally across all current fashion trends. I have just watched several back to back episodes of America's Next Top Model. The two "chaahck-let girls" are competition for each other. They go to New Zealand where people think they are " rilly sixy". I also learnt that "while sheep might be difficult to tell apart, it doesn't work for a top model". This show should be on every high school syllabus. It's not just entertaining, it's educational. And that's extremely important if you want to be intellect.

4. I now only talk to cats on facebook, not people. It solves everything.

5. I am not going bald, but my nemesis is.