Friday, September 26, 2008

If I Wanted To Be Bossed Around I Would've Joined The Army

So much is happening in the world of the Crazy Workplace that I simply haven't had the time to write any posts because I've been too busy experiencing/suffering. First of all, I am adding a new member to the Cast of Characters. I've just realised that using the phrase "Cast of Characters" makes them sound fictional. If only. Sadly, these characters are all filed in the Biography section of my life. Or maybe Personal Development...

Anyway, today I am introducing Major Dick. I have decided to call him this because he is a major dick. He is the father of Tanty Man and the husband of The Eye. He looks a bit like a dugong and mostly just wafts through the shop between games of golf*. He doesn't say much but the other day he got angry at me for moving the sticky tape and a few days later he got angry at me for giving him a phone message (Yes, for giving him a phone message, not forgetting to give it to him).

Stay tuned for further updates in the coming days on subjects including The World's Ultimate Book Title, Customer Rage and The Impotence of Proofreading.

*As an aside: Major Dick's golf games are always noted down in our work rosters along side everyone else's shifts.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Introducing... Tanty Man!!!

Tanty Man is, as his name suggests, a grown man prone to throwing tanties. He is the son of the business owners where I work and he is also the manager. Despite his age of about one and a half score he likes to repair to the office for a tanty whenever something doesn't go his way. This includes fax machines, computers and printers not working, staff making errors, and sometimes just someone not returning an email quickly enough. It's nice that he usually makes it into the office before letting fly but the effect is somewhat mitigated by the fact that the door remains open at all times and the office opens directly onto the shop's front counter. Like a child playing peek-a-boo, he thinks that if he cannot be seen then he cannot be heard. Ah, Tanty Man, how you make us laugh! An average day brings forth about 2 or 3 outbursts.

In other news, The Eye (his mother) popped the other day but unfortunately I was not there to witness it. It sounded pretty juicy - she attacked a customer for being a bad parent and they had a screaming match. Then she spent the afternoon hitting herself on the head and blaming the outburst on the stress she is under which is caused by Tanty Man because he speaks to her rudely.

Did I mention I love my job?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

My Day

I went to a party tonight with CC who dressed up in a fat suit. We caught the ferry then walked through Glebe. It was ok (except that the fat suit was probably a little warm) until we got to the dog track. The dogs (presumably) didn't like the suit and started barking like crazy. Or maybe it was CC's angelic face, which does fill people with murderous rage from time to time... anyway, I should probably mention at this point that I made the whole fat suit thing up. And although we did walk past the dog track, the dogs didn't bark at us. But I did go to a party.

I felt old so I left early. How do you know when you are too old for a party? There are a couple of ways. One is when the 35 year old's antics piss you off because you realise he is probably going through a mid life crisis, and the other is when the under 25 year olds' lack of antics piss you off because you realise they are too young to have developed personalities yet.

I walked home and spent my taxi money on chocolate.

(I should ruin the acerbic impact of this post to point out that I am only referring to a select few individuals, and not the entire demographic of a particular age group).

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I alluded in an earlier post to a character at work who really needs a pseudonym for this blog.The stories about him are starting to back up, but I can't settle on a name so I am holding a little poll. Please state your preferences in the comments. Additional suggestions also welcome. Thanks.

Tanty Man

Master J. Pendant, Esq.

The Eyelet

Baby Jon Burgess

Friday, September 12, 2008

Overheard in Neutral Bay:

"I am so many levels of angry with so many members of my family..."

Monday, September 8, 2008

Top 5...

... things you see in Mosman:

1. Babies

2. (purebred) Dogs

3. Bleached Blondes with jeans tucked into their boots

4. Women who look like Diane von Furstenberg

5. Couples who look like this

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Peaches Mango Peaches

People ask for weird shit in bookshops. Actually, people ask for weird shit in lots of places, as my friend The Dominatrix* can certainly vouch for. But since I work in a bookshop I hear the weird shit most often there. Today, a woman asked me if we had a book called Grate's Peaches. "Grate's Peaches?" I repeated, not sure I had heard her correctly. "Yes, that's right. "Grate's Peaches" she replied. "ummmmm...." I said, waving my hand vaguely in the direction of the Art books while trying to remember where the Gardening section was.

"It's in Words and Ideas" said a co-worker for who I am yet to come up with a suitable alias. The woman looked to where he was pointing.
"Oh yes I can see it!" she marched over and I looked to where she was headed, still trying to figure out what on earth this wack sounding book was. There it was: Great Speeches.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Apparently my blog is off limits at Bankstown library. I am loving the street cred that gives me, although I'm not sure what is objectionable about it. Perhaps the posts where I rant and rave about punctuation?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

CC - I haven't seen you for days. Adrian says "hi"

* That is actually her job, I'm not trying to use a clever name for a strict librarian or something.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Adventures of Normal #2

The Gap Year

Averagely enough, I went traveling for a year after I finished studying. I spent most of my time in Western Europe (I know: yawn). I did not get beaten, mugged or attacked although I did get my bottom pinched by a man in Italy (also achingly typical).

The point of my The Adventures of Normal series is not to discuss anything out of the ordinary, so I won't be discussing the crazy things, like the husband and wife who tried to come on to me or the fact that there are miniature saws in Dublin supermarkets so that you don't have to pay for unwanted broccoli stalk.

I drank beer and ate chocolate in Belgium. I drank beer and ate chocolate in Germany. I drank beer and ate chocolate in a few other places too. But in Bordeaux I drank wine.

I went to some museums and shit.

That's pretty much it.

Monday, September 1, 2008

So You Think You're My Aunts?

I've come up with the best idea for a TV show called So You Think You're My Aunts? It's a Jerry Springer type scenario where someone's parentage is in question, but the whole extended family is up on stage for the drama, the intrigue, the bad hair, the missing teeth, the fisticuffs. I think what we have here is ratings gold.