Thursday, March 22, 2012

High Wattage

Telstra appears to be run on a special power source called Fuckwattage.

I have been without the interwebs for nearly two months and the only reason this event has not completely ruined my life is that I am not currently a participant of any online dating services.

The final chapter in this bruised and bloody saga was the technician arriving "first thing"today to finish off the job that was truncated yesterday when his drill ran out of power.  Current English language usage suggests "first thing" means 7 or 8am.  He arrived at  2.14pm.

I now plan to catch up on my facebook stalking and watching of inane videos involving small animals behaving oddly.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Dynamic, Go-Getting Multi-taskers Look No Further!

Dear Monash University Hargrave-Andrew Library,

Please consider the following feedback on your job ad for a Serials and Reserve Officer (part time)

  1. I highly doubt that the successful applicant will actually be working in a “dynamic” team. It is a library for Germain’s sake, one of the few workplaces where being dynamic would be more of a drawback than an asset, unless you have developed the first library-cum-cabaret-stage space in Australia, in which case I can kind of see your point.

  1. “Monash is a dynamic university”. Please – you’re writing this from a library – get a goddamn thesaurus and find another adjective!

  1. “As the Serials and Reserves Officer you will be responsible for supervising the activities of others working with serials at Hargrave-Andrews Library and for liasing with staff in other locations.” Soooo… you want someone to watch other people work and to gossip with other librarians? Sounds like a sweet deal, but not especially dynamic.

  1. “You will also be part of the Lending Services team and contribute to lending services, including rostered service point shifts and creating electronic reading lists.” I guess that although “rostered service point shifts” sounds to me like a car part, it is probably something librarian-y. It’s probably fairly un-dynamic too. As for creating electronic reading lists, that sounds like what I do with iTunes but using books instead of songs. I can do that! Look:

  1. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
  2. The Pickwick Papers – Charles Dickens
  3. Little Women - Lousia May Alcott
  4. The Talented Tenth – W.E.B De Bois

  1. And finally: “To be successful you will have… the ability to work as part of a team or independently” What? You mean either ability will do? Well, I must say that’s pretty flexible.  As far as I am concerned I can definitely do either of those things.  I generally decide on the day which one it is I feel like.  Would that be ok?
So I guess you can consider this my dynamic application for the job. And by the way, I have been sipping a cup of tea while writing this so let's put "ability to multitask" down on my attributes list as well, shall we?

Thanks, love from Felix

Friday, March 9, 2012

Spam, Wonderful Spam!

Dear Elza Sizemore,

Thank you for taking the time to send me an email offering me a job with your company; Woodtopia Ltd.  Please forgive me if the combination of your name and your company’s name led me to believe that you were trying to sell me penis enlargement products. As it is, I don’t have a penis and I am not interested in obtaining one.

Kind Regards, Felix