Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Actor Boy and The Word Of God

I was so inspired by everyone's responses to my confession story that I would like to continue the religious theme and tell the tale of Actor Boy, who I used to work with in a bookshop. The bookshop was (and still is) run by a couple of very left-wing broad minded non-religious types. We stocked the Bible, but were always running out of copies because KI (the buyer) couldn't get her head around the fact that anyone would ever contemplate buying one, so she never re-ordered it.

One day, when our shop was Bible-less, a customer came in and asked AB if we had a copy of the Bible.

AB stepped out from behind the counter and went to the religion shelf to have a look. He pulled a book from the shelf while saying "No, I'm sorry. I'm afraid we don't. But we do have something else by the same author". He triumphantly handed a copy of the Koran to the horrified customer.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Tag Hag Dag

I hope the whole meme thing is not too self indulgent twice in a row. However, I was tagged by The Fabulous Jo. If I ever decide to stalk someone it would be her. Many is the day that I have contemplated cruising around on a Tuesday evening, peeking into restaurants and bars in the hope that I will casually happen upon one of her famous Steak and Chips Tuesdays. As a potential stalkee, I could hardly back away from acknowledging communication, so here is the challenge:

1) Write my own six word memoir
2) Post it on my blog and include a visual illustration
3) Link to the person that tagged me in my post
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links.

I kept putting off asking if it was against the rules to use the same word more than once... so I hope I did it right. Please read the memoir to the tune of La Cucaracha:

"Procrastination, procrastination. Lala lala lala la"

As for the tagging... I tag Juicebar, NerdGirl, Arian Dalliancer, Rosie and This Lovely Lass

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Tag Hag

Okely dokely... here are five things about me (just read the bold if you're pressed for time):
1. The most interesting thing about me is that I was once diagnosed with boredom.
I was working in a cd shop at the time, and among other things, discovered that it is possible to literally be bored to tears. It was pretty hideous, so I bought a one way ticket to find myself and...

2. I found myself in Tasmania.
I spent two months walking a dog, reading books and going to at least one different cafe or pub every day.

3. I once saw a man get arrested by the fashion police.
He was standing next to a group of police officers and tried to slink off a board and bus when they dashed after him. The only crime he appeared to be committing as far as I could see was that he was wearing dirty trackie dacks and a flannie with holes in it. So I assume that is what he was being arrested for.

4. My view on Nudist beaches is - I can't think of anything worse... except paintballing
That says it all really.

5. I used to lie in confession.
I had two lies that I told every time. Well, they were stretches of the truth I suppose. The first was when you were supposed to say to the priest "it's been ___ days/weeks/whatever since my last confession". I never knew how long it had been but it always felt like ages (and in kid time it had been) so I would always say "it's been... um... a while since my last confession" because I though the priest would get cross that I hadn't been often enough. The second lie was when you had to confess something. Most 10 year olds don't know how to sin, and I was no exception. I could never think of anything I'd done, so I always said "I've been mean to my sister" because I figured that even if I couldn't remember a specific incident, I probably had been at some stage.

Monday, April 21, 2008

2020 Summit

My brilliant idea for the 2020 Summit, the meeting of Australia's best and brightest minds, has not had any coverage in the press this week, despite the fact that I contacted several individuals and community groups and asked them to consider it. What is my fantastically clever idea? Make standard drink sizes bigger. There is so much hoo-ha at the moment about binge drinking, and how people need to drink less for their health - well if the standard size was bigger, then I am sure most people wouldn't mind nearly as much all of a sudden only being allowed to have two standard drinks a night.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Thanks For Not Bothering to Save My Life

"Thanks for not bothering to save my life"

I found this in the musty drafts section of my blog. I cannot for the life of me remember what it was supposed to be about, but I rather like the emotion behind the sentiment. Somehow, even though it is basically nonsensical, it manages to perfectly express my feelings.

Monday, April 14, 2008

F is for Fumes

Public transport can be a nasty way to spend you time. It is often crowded and noisy. Buses are usually the worst, and there has been research done that proves people on buses are 20% uglier than people on trains*. In the days of yore, when I lived in Adelaide, I used to catch a free loop bus called the Bee Line# but my friends and I always referred to it as the BO line because a disproportionately high number of people apparently can't afford bus tickets OR deodorant.

That little nostalgic trip has been in aid of me explaining the following event that I witnessed last week. While on the bus, the man sitting in front of me gave himself a dose of spray-on deodorant; one under each arm. For the love of Dylan Moran** it was disgusting.

*I heard a stand up comedian say that, so it must be true. I'm sure such public figures back up their comments with research.
# I know, it's hilarious. I am in stitches just thinking about the brilliance of the pun.
**Dylan Moran is God

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Who Said Men Can't Multi Task?

Last night as I was walking home from the train, I could hear someone talking around the corner as I approached the pub I pass on my way home. I didn't really understand why he was huddled away in the corner like that because he was talking quite loudly. Then I realised that he was talking on the phone and pissing at the same time. Into someone's garden.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

E is for Eeewwww

Did anyone happen to miss that story about the father and daughter who had a baby and live together as husband and wife?

I just don't think it was particularly bright of them to name their baby Celeste, since it rhymes with incest.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Top 5...

... Things Mischa Barton is good at:

1. Flicking her hair

2. Using movements of her neck and her chin to express emotion

3. Being skinny

... sorry, I can't think of anything else.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Top 5...

... People Who Could Have Done a Better Acting Job Than Keanu Reeves in Speed:

1. Stephen Fry

2. Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's

3. Maggie Smith

4. Any one of the Oompah-Loompahs

5. My cardboard cutout of Steve Waugh

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Tell it Like it is Tuesday

As a little homage to the Triple J radio segment of days gone by, here is my "Tell it Like it is Tuesday":

There is NOTHING more annoying and frigging pointless in the whole wide world than sports tribunals. I'm sure you know what I mean - various sports codes have set up their own little kangaroo courts to defend and accuse and prosecute charges such as "hitting" and "biting". Bring me the smelling salts Mavis, I am going to faint due to the overpowering scent of RIDICULOUSNESS. It is just a game kids. As in not real life. If you want to hit someone, or perhaps glass them in the face, do it on your own time like Wayne Carey, because then you get to go to the Big Person courtroom.

I suppose if they want to keep playing grownups after the final siren has blasted each week, that's ok, but I don't want to hear about it. I hate the way 5 minutes of news time is devoted to the reportage of this mind-numbing dross as though it actually mattered. I'm sorry but "football players display violence and aggression" is not exactly news, is it?

There are important events happening in the world all the time, but they don't get reported on because the reporter who would otherwise be free to cover the story is busy at a press conference being held by people who have a poor to dismal grasp of the English language, and talk in more cliches than a greeting card. For instance, I am going to do a load of washing today and it is a BIG DEAL, which I am currently mentally preparing myself for. Is there someone around to interview me about it? No. Should there be? I don't see why not.