Monday, July 26, 2010

Today Was Awesome; A Story In Two Chapters

Chapter One: The Customer As Hero

The sweet looking grandma, dripping in gold and pearls did not exactly measure up to type. She seemed placid enough at first, but my hero worship kicked in when she began a conversation about politics and managed to end it by yelling at the top of her voice "there are only two things, in my opinion, that men are interested in: SEX and WINNING".

Apologies to the mild mannered old man who happened to be in the shop at the time, quietly minding his own business. I presume the reason you left so quickly was because you realised it was a while since you had had sex or won anything.

Apologies also to anyone who has found this blog by googling "sex and winning". It probably isn't quite what you were looking for.

Chapter Two: The Customer As Dullard

The slightly frazzled looking middle aged woman practically flung herself at the counter. "There's a new book out... [pause to give me time to give her the answer, in case this was all the information she would need to provide me with]. It's called something like... Crime."

I looked at the reddish lacy corset she had on over her skivvy and under her jacket, which was bravely teamed with an akubra. I took a deep breath and allowed my brain to shrink to about the size that her's likely was. My eyes (probably) glazed over a bit and I pronounced - oracle like - "is it Truth by Peter Temple?"

"Yes! Yes that's it!!" Now. There's another book... [again, the pause]. It was recently made in to a movie [another pause]... it's got an animal in the title".

"Ummmm.... is it fiction or non-fiction?" I asked, mostly to play for time.

"Fiction, it's fiction It's definitely fiction. It's got an animal in the title.... a tortoise. It's something about a tortoise".

"Ohhh. Um well I'm not sure that I... (at this point I remembered to forget my brain again) ... Hedgehog! It's The Elegance Of The Hedgehog".

(Modesty prevents me from accurately recording all the fabulous things she said about at this point but please, let you imaginations run wild).

And that, folks, is why I get paid such an obscene amount of money*.

The End

*poetic license may have been taken to the extreme.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Please Note

I have not read the following books:
1. Shantaram (life is too short to be reading 933 pages of quasi-biographical fiction-esque pap*)
2. the Stieg Larsson triology
3. Harry Potter (there are movies after all)
4. The Secret (the real secret is that she only wrote the book to make money, not to help you)
5. The Alchemist (A "fable about following your dreams". I am allergic to fables; they give me a temperature and an unsightly rash)

I have no desire whatsoever to read these books. If you reccommend any of the above for my reading pleasure I will lose the small amount of respect I had for you to begin with. I may even fart in your general direction.

At a rough guess, I would estimate about 100 people have bought a Stieg Larsson book from me while saying breathlessly "you HAVE to read them!!!". If any of you are reading this I say to you "No I don't. Piss off and let me stare aimlessly at the wall in peace while thinking about recipes that include potato and cheese".

*yes, I am writing this at work and yes, I got up and walked over to the shelf to check how many pages are in that book.