Sunday, February 28, 2010

Trends for Spring/Summer 2010

Bland is IN. Wear as much pale grey and beige as you can get your hands on.

The Low Maintenance Girlfriend is OUT, the High Maintenance Girlfriend is IN. This means men must adopt hangdog expressions and learn to quietly sympathise with one another, and women must forget anything they ever knew about football, and get manicures.

Wigs are IN, Real hair is OUT.

Dickens is IN, Dostoevsky is OUT.

Trees and Greg Combet are IN, Bonsai and Peter Garrett are OUT (they don't do enough for the environment).

Tilsit is the new Manchego, Ritalin is the new Codral, and Desalination Plants are the new Warner Brothers' Movie Worlds.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Keep It Simple Kids

I am a brilliant over-achiever. It is not even March and I have already fulfilled my New Year's Resolutiuon for Two Thousand Zen. Unlike last year where I set myself a list of endless herculian tasks (like bumping into less things), this year I took the KISK approach: Keep It Simple Kids. It totally paid off! My resolution was to make gumbo which I have wanted to do for years, mostly because it is called gumbo. And I made gumbo on Friday night. It was edible and everything!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I have a friend called Justin Timberlake* and he is bringing sexy back. Sexy went to visit the penguins at the zoo but got lost, and didn't have any money for a bus ticket home again. Justin Timberlake's generosity doesn't stop there though - he also has a brilliant idea to bring together lonesome (but quite hot) single people and has asked me to advertise his plan on this blog. Bless you, Justin Timberlake**,for the vote of confidence but this blog only has a readership of about 6 people*** so it probably won't do much good.

Nevertheless, I promised so here we go: Flash Mob Single's Night. Woo hoo! It's so brilliant I don't know why it hasn't been done yet. The idea is simpler than my attempt to make it somehow make sense under the blog title Keep It Simple Kids (not hard). Let me explain: you collect a database of (hot) single people, you inform them via some form of new-fangled media of the time and location of the flash mob, and they all turn up and mill around the previously specified location. Pretty much everyone there will be Single and Looking. And quite hot. There is so much scope for metaphorical fireworks that Justin Timberlake might even organise actual fireworks. If not, I am sure he will at least make sure there is a bar that stocks good quality gin.

So if you are a hot single person and you are interested then please let me know and I will pass your details on to Justin Timberlake. If you don't totally fit this description but are still interested then please still get in touch. Well, I mean if you are not single but you have a loser boyfriend you want to ditch then you still qualify, but you really do have to be hot. It's not that ugly people don't hook up with one another, but it's just that Justin Timberlake has a very high sense of visual aesthetic and is easily upset by things like people who don't have symmetrical faces or people with moles that have hair growing out of them.

In conclusion: If you want to feel ahead of the game then keep New Year's Resolutions short, sweet and pretty damn easy. If you want to be in the game then get yourself to a flash mob singles event near you and finally, whatever you do, don't bother trying to make a line of little stars on your blog look symmetrical and even because it is a bloody waste of time and your time is more valuable than that. You should be spending your time watching Project Runway and drinking the wine that Tallboy left behind at your flat on the weekend because it really is quite nice and it will go off before Thursday when you and Tallboy are having dinner together next.

* Not his real name

**Not your real name

***Naturally, this is an underestimate for the purposes of comedic value, but not by very much

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Five Things I Have Learnt This Year

1. Marrickville and Balmain are INNER CITY! I know they are close to the city but I never realised that they were considered inner... I mean, ok, I will concede that to get from Balmain to the city you only need to go one bus stop but the bus goes on a big, concrete freeway type thing, there is open space, and you must cross water*.

2. Tall Boy likes to put things on his head.

3. Two year old boys can never have too many diggers. Toy diggers, imaginary diggers, drawings of diggers that their relatives have been press-ganged into drawing all elicit the same response, namely, "DIGGER!! MORE Digger!!!"

4. When soaked heavily in soy sauce, sugar, sesame seeds and about twenty other masking ingredients tofu is delicious!

5. Julian Clary is gay. Who knew?

* I am aware that this sounds a bit like a fortune teller's prediction. I don't care. In fact, I kind of like it that way.