Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Year Is '200Mine'

Partly because I thought there might be some genuine interest, but mostly because I am completely self-absorbed and think that anything relating to me is completely wonderful I have decided to give you all an update on my resolutions for 200mine.

1. Bump into less things: I currently have several bruises on my legs, but I plan to bump into less things over the whole year, so there is still time for improvement here.

2. Buy no new books (Thanks to AW for pointing out the loophole here: I can buy second hand books!) So far so good.

3. Buy more music with money saved in resolution #2: I am getting back into the swing of buying stuff that I may not necessarily like, but I proceed with the purchase so the sales assistant and others will think that I am cool. Yesterday involved a remix of the Modern Jazz Quartet. (CC - do you think I am cool?)

4. Take part in Urban Decay: Still working on this one...

5. Eat less cheesy snacks: failed

6. Become fluent in half a dozen foreign languages: have decided to cheat a little and brush up on my Old English, since I already know my irregular verbs and how to say 'hello' (It's 'hwaet" in case you're interested)

7. Lose weight: see #5

8. Drink less: No comment

Friday, January 30, 2009

I Am Still Alive, But Only Just!

Kids, I feel like crap. The Only Gay in The Village saw fit to pass his cold on to me so while I wrote out the previous post a few days ago I couldn’t be bothered uploading it.

Let me tell you something for free: PMS + bad cold = VERY unhappy camper.

I will never again listen to the advice of a chemist if that advice happens to be along the lines of “lemsip will make you feel less revolting”. On the box is a list of symptoms with ticks next to each one: Headache, Fever, Body Aches & Pains, Sore Throat. Yes, I have all those things ticked and no, none of them have been reduced from taking the lemsip. Funnily enough, the things that don’t have ticks next to them, for example “lemon flavour” and “hot drink” are also true. On the telly, the little creature with a big, shiny red nose takes lemsip and then feels better. That’s what I was expecting to happen to me but alas, I am left full of disappointment and mucus.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

How To Tell If Your Party Was a Success: A Layperson’s Guide

(if you can check at least three of the following off then your party has been a mild success. Over 5 and it was a great success. All 7 and you are a better person that I for you are a fabulous host AND you are modest because you didn’t boast about it on your blog)

1. Someone ditched a date to attend
2. Someone else flew in from Bhutan to attend
3. Follow up reports confirm that one attendee was so drunk she was unable to speak in the taxi home, so had to poke her companion (similarly so drunk that he was asleep) in order to get him to pay the cab driver.
4. The punch was replenished about 7 or 8 times, so much so that I am unable to provide one wholly accurate recipe… it started with mango puree, lemonade, pink champagne, gin, pear vodka, lemon juice, lime juice and white rum. Along the way we added (at various stages) tequila, ginger ale, orange juice, plain vodka, a tin of lychees and a lot of love.
5. There is a random character wandering about in utterly inappropriate attire. In this case it was a tuxedo, with a black hat pulled low over his eyes like a bootlegging gangster.
6. The kitchen floor is sticky, all the glasses you own are dirty and the bin is full 5 days before rubbish collection
7. Although plenty of wine, mixers and spirits were provided, the morning reveals a tub in the bathroom inexplicably full of beer and one bottle of champagne.

Bonus Point: Someone gets taken home in a wheelbarrow. (Alas, we didn’t receive the bonus point this time but I have managed to achieve it once before. It was many years ago now and I didn’t really realise at the time that I had attained a kind of party throwing nirvana, probably never to be repeated. I mean seriously, a frigging wheelbarrow!! At the risk of sounding like a 19 years old frat boy, that is so fucking cool.)

Monday, January 12, 2009


Here are my goals and resolutions for 2009:

1. Bump into less things

2. Buy no new books (Thanks to AW for pointing out the loophole here: I can buy second hand books!)

3. Buy more music with money saved in resolution #2

4. Take part in Urban Decay

5. Eat less cheesy snacks

6. Become fluent in half a dozen foreign languages

7. Lose weight

8. Drink less

(Don't worry: 7 and 8 are only there because from what I understand they are obligatory on any New Year Resolution list. I plan on failing dismally on both counts).

Monday, January 5, 2009

Arthur and Noel

My time in Bris Vegas has had a distinct touch of Regency England about it. By that I mean we have done an awful lot of visiting and entertaining. We have sat in people's parlours drinking tea and coffee. We have discussed people called Betty and Jim and Bernie who are mostly all dead. We have discussed at great length and on numerous occasions the school my grandmother went to across the river. Today we went for a trip to the hills to take the air and marvel at the view.

The culmination of all this was a visit from Arthur and Noel who came to tea. If Kim from Kath and Kim was a 65 year old gay man, she would be Arthur. If Dobbie (that skinny little creature from Harry Potter) and John Denver had a love child in the form of a 65 year old gay man, it would be Noel. Arthur and Noel went to the hairdresser together some time in about 1978 and got matching hairstyles, which they have chosen to retain ever since.

Arthur and Noel are lovely people but their main topic of conversation with my aunt and uncle seems to be real estate. They talked real estate all night long. By laws, pot plants, renovations, plumbing (apparently only 3 apartments in the whole complex have had a second bathroom put in!!!!!), double glazing... I know all about number 7 where Olive used to live. Olive is blind so there are no lights in her apartment but all the curtains and so on match and are in mint condition. Olive's apartment will be up for sale in a few months. I know all about Ray as well who lives on the 6th floor. He complains about his TV reception.

At one point I wondered why we were sticking to such a dull, dull, dull as dishwater topic. A few minutes later we started talking about ethnic taxi drivers. This was followed by Arthur's opinion on the Samoans who do nothing except smoke outside the Centrelink office all day long. Certainly not a topic I felt confortable contributing to, but since my Aunt has a PhD in South Sea Islander health issues I wasn't the only one at the table who felt that way. There was a weird spell where nobody concurred with anything Arthur said and in the time it takes you to say "Jack rabbit" we were back talking pot plants.

This continued until my mother almost literally fell asleep at the table (and for once I am not exaggerating) and we were released.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Bris Vegas

After spending the last few weeks doing back breaking work for the great washed, I have pitched up in the frontier town of Bris Vegas for a few days. So far the best moment was on the ferry on new years eve when the captain gave a long winded and virtually illiterate (not sure if something verbal can be illiterate, but he gave it a red hot go) announcement that alcohol was not to be permitted on the bank so if anyone had brought it with them ... well... they, um... wouldn't be able to... well.... it would... in fact... be taken off them. So... ah... well.. because.... yeah.

I am staying with the Aunty Who Likes To Organise. She will happily organise anything - from houses to documents, but her favourite thing by far to organise is Other People's Lives. Lucky me. She has decided that the perfect thing for me to do is to volunteer in a remote community in the desert. This will apparently solve all my problems, including the ones I didn't realise I had.

Bris Vegas isn't all bad though: I won Scrabble today, the coffee is good, and I am stealing someone's wireless connection to type this.

I had a job interview the other day which was fine except that the questions came directly from the "1994 Guide to Interview Questions; A Practical Guide For Interviewers". Seriously, when was the last time anyone was asked "what is your biggest strength?", followed immediately by "what is your biggest weakness?" (I said my biggest weakness was bumping into things, mostly because I said something boring and sucky for my strength so I couldn't go with the standard "I work too hard" as I thought it would be overkill). I also got questions about "working in a team to achieve a goal" at which point I vomited on the interviewer's shoes in disgust.

Incidentally, I didn't get the job which may be due to the vomiting thing, or maybe because I corrected a typo on the questionnaire I had to fill out. And yes, I know that is not "working in a team" but it is showing "initiative" as well as "attention to detail".