Saturday, June 20, 2009

Dear Angela Bishop

Dear Angela Bishop,

I don't know if you are aware of this or not, so I am writing to you to tell that you don't have a neck.

Regards, Felix for Zosia

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Too Short To Breed

Juicebar has been telling all and sundry that he has been accused of being "too short to breed" by his housemate who... er... likes to assemble Ikea furniture in her spare time (not-that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that). He seemed to take an unnatural amount of glee in proclaiming this opinion, much to the distress of said housemate. Having spent 8 years at university, I am not quite as stupid as I look (although the fact of having spent 8 years at university and still not being finished may possibly be an argument against my supposedly astronomically high level of intellect... humm... uncomfortable self analysis on the horizon if I'm not careful)... so I suspected that he wasn't telling the whole truth, and I asked him what she actually meant. It turns out that she was of the opinion that - in the context of their mooting the idea of a "communal baby" - the two of them were too short to breed together. Upon hearing this I paused for thought and said, in a let's-be-reasonable-and-analytical-here voice "but ER isn't particularly short, and neither are you. I don't think the two of you are too short to breed together." It was only much later that it occurred to me that having any kind of reasonable discussion about any points relating to the concept of a "communal baby" was kind of ridiculous.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Bilingual Jane: An Enigma

Every single item* of kitchenware or general household bric a brac that Bilingual Jane contributed to our abode is pink, except for the ice cube tray that makes penis shaped pieces of ice.

*I am allowed a 10% margin of exaggeration or inaccuracy as part of my creativity contact, which I wrote myself using crayons when I was bored.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Felix For Zosia: Style_Lab

I just finished reading a book called The Thoughtful Dresser by Linda Grant. I have decided that she is my Guru* of the Month. I have been so inspired by the book that I was going to go out and start myself another blog called Felix For Zosia: Style_Lab, where I would blog about fashion, non-fashion, and my outfit choices with the sophisticated wit and intelligent humour that make Felix For Zosia (original) the brilliant market success and revenue spinner that it is today. But then I decided that probably nobody would want to read such wanky bosh. But THEN I though to myself “who am I to decide?” So here is a sample of what you might find on Felix For Zosia: Style Lab if it were a real blog. Tell me what you think:

What My Clothes Say About Me: Saturday Morning
Orange scarf and grey cardigan: I feel like shit. These items look disgusting together and I can hardly believe I am wearing them. I want people on the street to know that I have a cold and a headache and possibly a smidge of hangover so I’ve chosen items that clash so horribly they will invariably induce headaches in all who observe me.

What My Clothes Say About Me: Saturday Afternoon
Blue/green scarf and grey cardigan: I am stupidly vain and hopelessly bad with money. As the day wore on and I felt better, I had to buy another scarf to replace the orange one because I couldn’t take it any longer. Even though the new scarf looks like something a mermaid would wear if it had a sore throat, I consider it an Investment Piece because it actually looks fantastic with half my wardrobe.

Autumn/Winter09: Shopping
I called my bestest, gayest friend Harveii (who is like a cross between Napoleon Perdis and Napoleon Dynamite) in a high excitement after my morning’s shopping trip. “Harveii!!! Guess what?? I’ve found my new Autumn Palette! It’s all based around a pair of earrings I bought last week. It’s such a great combination of Burnt Ochre, Tamil Tiger Green and a touch of Democratic Purple**. It’s going to be so versatile, and the best thing is that all I have to do when I go shopping for more pieces***is make sure that I wear the earrings and they will be like my personal, fashion equivalent of those paint sample things people give you when you’re redecorating the front parlour.” Needless to say, Harveii was practically as excited as I was, so we agreed to meet up and drank fruit flavoured martinis all afternoon long in a “New York style”**** bar.

*Please always pronounce this word “ga-roo” in your head when reading it anywhere on this blog. Trust me, it’s much more fun.

** For those not in the know, Democratic Purple is similar to Royal Purple but less… inbred.

***Rule number 63 of The Fashion Blog Creed states that one must always refer to “pieces” and not “clothes”. Amendment 63b states that “garment” is acceptable in certain circumstances.

****People get mugged there a lot.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Why Lesbianism is Like Assembling Ikea Furniture

I have been doing some thinking and would like to present the following analogy for perusal:

I really like Ikea furniture. I even have some in my home. I know that there are some people who like to assemble Ikea furniture, and while I know that I am physically capable of doing so myself, when faced with an array of nuts and bolts and planks of wood it all just seems like too much effort.