As If A 9 Person Queue In The Bank Wasn't Annoying Enough

Dear Old Lady Pensioner who pushed in front of me in the queue at the bank yesterday,

There are a few things I would like to tell you:

1. You bitch! I bet you steal candy from babies too.


2. Although cardigans in general are not necessarily unfashionable, yours is. It looks like shit.


3. You pissed me off quite a bit yesterday, but then I realised that you probably only pushed in front of me because you have Altzheimer's, and actually forgot  how queues are supposed to work. 

4. You need a shave.


Regards,
Felix

Things Men Don’t Understand (A List for Women to Laugh at and A Guide for Men to Learn From)

1. Vegetables. There are lots of them and they taste delicious. Sometimes, you can eat them WITHOUT MEAT!

2. Musicals. They are awesome.  It might seem like a ridiculous idea to make a movie that is full of people jumping up and dancing about the place while singing songs at you but, let’s face it, it is no less ridiculous than a movie with Will Smith and lots of bombs and car chases in it. In fact, try to imagine a car chase scene every time there is a song and you will find watching the movie an enjoyable and entertaining experience. It won’t make any difference to your understanding of the plot, either.

3. Clothes. One always needs more.  It is quite complicated to explain exactly why this is, and there are probably loads of fancy sounding theories written up by people who have above average intelligence, no social skills, and personal lives that are about as much fun as watching dust accumulate, since they spend all their time examining society instead of participating in it, but let’s skip the detail and put it under the category of Mysterious But Important.

4. Cheese. How did that get on the list? Everybody loves cheese!

5. High Heels, Makeup and Other Time Consuming and/or Painful Looking Feminine Miscellany. Women just do that shit because other women do it and they don’t want to be told they look weird/fat/butch/ugly etc.

6. Weddings. It’s all about being the centre of attention in a huge dress. If anyone can come up with a different way to make this happen for a woman she’ll probably be perfectly content. Especially if the event also involves one or more people crying with happiness.

7. Crying With Happiness. Hmmm. This requires some thought. Please check back in a week (let’s be honest, I am never going to get around to figuring this out. If you come with a good answer then drop me a line and if it is funny, punchy and clever sounding I will write it up and claim it was my idea all along. Sound good?)

Dear Terry WetWet,
Thankyou ever so much for the kind invitation to cum check out your FucBook page. I certainly do appreciate such delightful and welcoming hospitality. Since you invited me three times, you either really want me to visit the page, or you really like multiples of three, in which case I suggest you change your surname to Wet Wet Wet. I'm going to pass your details on to Cute N HornyGirl and sex_sex_nice2 because I have a feeling you would get along well together.

Kind regards,
Felix

High Wattage

Telstra appears to be run on a special power source called Fuckwattage.

I have been without the interwebs for nearly two months and the only reason this event has not completely ruined my life is that I am not currently a participant of any online dating services.

The final chapter in this bruised and bloody saga was the technician arriving "first thing"today to finish off the job that was truncated yesterday when his drill ran out of power.  Current English language usage suggests "first thing" means 7 or 8am.  He arrived at  2.14pm.

I now plan to catch up on my facebook stalking and watching of inane videos involving small animals behaving oddly.

Dynamic, Go-Getting Multi-taskers Look No Further!

Dear Monash University Hargrave-Andrew Library,

Please consider the following feedback on your job ad for a Serials and Reserve Officer (part time)

1. I highly doubt that the successful applicant will actually be working in a “dynamic” team. It is a library for Germain’s sake, one of the few workplaces where being dynamic would be more of a drawback than an asset, unless you have developed the first library-cum-cabaret-stage space in Australia, in which case I can kind of see your point.

2. “Monash is a dynamic university”. Please – you’re writing this from a library – get a goddamn thesaurus and find another adjective!

3. “As the Serials and Reserves Officer you will be responsible for supervising the activities of others working with serials at Hargrave-Andrews Library and for liasing with staff in other locations.” Soooo… you want someone to watch other people work and to gossip with other librarians? Sounds like a sweet deal, but not especially dynamic.

4. “You will also be part of the Lending Services team and contribute to lending services, including rostered service point shifts and creating electronic reading lists.” I guess that although “rostered service point shifts” sounds to me like a car part, it is probably something librarian-y. It’s probably fairly un-dynamic too. As for creating electronic reading lists, that sounds like what I do with iTunes but using books instead of songs. I can do that! Look:

SOCIAL STATUS AND SOCIAL ISSUES IN 19^th CENTURY LITERATURE

1. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2. The Pickwick Papers – Charles Dickens
3. Little Women - Lousia May Alcott
4. The Talented Tenth – W.E.B De Bois

5. And finally: “To be successful you will have… the ability to work as part of a team or independently” What? You mean either ability will do? Well, I must say that’s pretty flexible.  As far as I am concerned I can definitely do either of those things.  I generally decide on the day which one it is I feel like.  Would that be ok?

So I guess you can consider this my dynamic application for the job. And by the way, I have been sipping a cup of tea while writing this so let's put "ability to multitask" down on my attributes list as well, shall we?

Thanks, love from Felix

Spam, Wonderful Spam!

Dear Elza Sizemore,

Thank you for taking the time to send me an email offering me a job with your company; Woodtopia Ltd.  Please forgive me if the combination of your name and your company’s name led me to believe that you were trying to sell me penis enlargement products. As it is, I don’t have a penis and I am not interested in obtaining one.

Kind Regards, Felix

If The Shoe Fits...

Walking through Kings Cross the other night it struck me that the young women of today are a little confused in the footwear department. Why do they all suddenly seem to be wearing shoes that look like armchairs?
 Not sure what I'm talking about? Well imagine a couple of these on your feet:

At times I am prone to exaggeration but this is a fairly accurate representation of what I am seeing on the streets these days.  It is hard enough for the poor dears to walk in them but watching them attempt to dance in utterly tragic; they look like epileptic ponies.

I spent some time pondering what I have just written here and it felt weirdly unfinished like there was something more to add... and then I realised: people don't conclude conversations with mere words these days, they have to use hashtags to sum up what they have just used words to say. #epilepticponies #hashtag