I don't have TIME for this!!!

Today at work I took a phone call and was screamed at for about five minutes through the earpiece by someone who was very, very angry and upset. Something has clearly gone fucking bunta ass-hat crazy-bad with her delivery, but I was confused because it sounded to me as though all that had happened was that the books arrived in boxes she didn't like the shape of.

I had to wait for her to fully vent ("I don't have TIME for this! I mean, I really don't have time for this! It's going to take me ages to fix this!!! I'm really angry! I'm SO ANGRY!!!!!) before I could get a word in to ask for clarification.  And a good thing I did! Guess what the problem was? It turns out the books arrived in boxes she didn't like the shape of.

HELL YES!!

Today's motivational catchphrase is brought to you by FELIX! YES!!! Pump your fists in the air and repeat (in a facetiously loud voice) after me: THERE IS NO 'I' IN CAN'T. THERE IS NO 'I' IN CAN'T  THERE IS NO 'I' IN CAN'T... but there is one in shit.

I'll Have a J for Junk, Thanks Adriana

Are people who send phising emails statistically more likely to have the name Adriana? Or are the emails I received from Adriana Walker, Adriana Gonzalez and Adriana Wilson in the last month all from a bigamist?  Here is a sample of her (their) correspondence:

Hey how are you? My name is Adriana I tried emailing you a few times without any respsonse. 
anyway babes just wanted to let you know i finally got my webcam working and was wondering
if you want to cyber with me :)

I'm on my bed right now half naked and waiting for you to connect with me ... its 100% free
to chat with me and I can get you free VIP codes to chat with me here.

Hi Adriana,
Sorry I didn't respond (or, indeed, respsond if that's what you really wanted) to your previous emails but the thing is that I can't get down and dirty with people who use a lower case i when referring to themselves. It's just a weird thing that I have. 


Since my stony silence doesn't seem to have put you off, I might as well clarify a few other things you might find useful to know:


- I am too busy responding to emails from Canadian Pharmacy and Male Enhancement, not to mention FuckBook, to read yours.




 - While I appreciate your very delightful offer to chat, I don't need VIP codes to chat with my friends, so I think I'll pass; you make it all so unnecessarily complicated.


-You don't appear to have noticed from the unequivocally feminine name which makes up the first part of my email address that I am, in fact, female. What this means is that I am crushingly underwhelmed by your boast about being half naked. You see, I have no qualms about being completely naked and merely looking in the mirror.

Felix Becomes All Literary And Shit

Imagine me, if you will. sitting by a fire in a book lined room. Brandy in one hand, martini in the other, furiously typing away, with a cigar in one hand and a cup of strong black coffee in the other, a bottle of half empty wine at my elbow, a glass of sherry in my hand,  and a pipe clenched between my teeth which I periodically take out and wave about to make a point. I am writing a Book Review.  If you are able to peer over my shoulder and see through the mingled cigar and pipe smoke, this is what you would find on my computer screen:

... is the silliest book I have ever had the misfortune to read. 

It is supposedly an erotic retelling of a classic but I have been more aroused by Sweet Valley High books. 

You should grab a copy to read if you like your fiction badly paced, derivative, completely unsexy, yawningly mediocre and peppered with ridiculous, one-dimensional characters. 

As If A 9 Person Queue In The Bank Wasn't Annoying Enough

Dear Old Lady Pensioner who pushed in front of me in the queue at the bank yesterday,

There are a few things I would like to tell you:

1. You bitch! I bet you steal candy from babies too.


2. Although cardigans in general are not necessarily unfashionable, yours is. It looks like shit.


3. You pissed me off quite a bit yesterday, but then I realised that you probably only pushed in front of me because you have Altzheimer's, and actually forgot  how queues are supposed to work. 

4. You need a shave.


Regards,
Felix

Things Men Don’t Understand (A List for Women to Laugh at and A Guide for Men to Learn From)

1. Vegetables. There are lots of them and they taste delicious. Sometimes, you can eat them WITHOUT MEAT!

2. Musicals. They are awesome.  It might seem like a ridiculous idea to make a movie that is full of people jumping up and dancing about the place while singing songs at you but, let’s face it, it is no less ridiculous than a movie with Will Smith and lots of bombs and car chases in it. In fact, try to imagine a car chase scene every time there is a song and you will find watching the movie an enjoyable and entertaining experience. It won’t make any difference to your understanding of the plot, either.

3. Clothes. One always needs more.  It is quite complicated to explain exactly why this is, and there are probably loads of fancy sounding theories written up by people who have above average intelligence, no social skills, and personal lives that are about as much fun as watching dust accumulate, since they spend all their time examining society instead of participating in it, but let’s skip the detail and put it under the category of Mysterious But Important.

4. Cheese. How did that get on the list? Everybody loves cheese!

5. High Heels, Makeup and Other Time Consuming and/or Painful Looking Feminine Miscellany. Women just do that shit because other women do it and they don’t want to be told they look weird/fat/butch/ugly etc.

6. Weddings. It’s all about being the centre of attention in a huge dress. If anyone can come up with a different way to make this happen for a woman she’ll probably be perfectly content. Especially if the event also involves one or more people crying with happiness.

7. Crying With Happiness. Hmmm. This requires some thought. Please check back in a week (let’s be honest, I am never going to get around to figuring this out. If you come with a good answer then drop me a line and if it is funny, punchy and clever sounding I will write it up and claim it was my idea all along. Sound good?)

Dear Terry WetWet,
Thankyou ever so much for the kind invitation to cum check out your FucBook page. I certainly do appreciate such delightful and welcoming hospitality. Since you invited me three times, you either really want me to visit the page, or you really like multiples of three, in which case I suggest you change your surname to Wet Wet Wet. I'm going to pass your details on to Cute N HornyGirl and sex_sex_nice2 because I have a feeling you would get along well together.

Kind regards,
Felix