When it comes to life, I have some firm rules. I think if everyone followed them then I wouldn't be able to feel so superior which would be a pity because I quite like that about myself (second on the list of Best Things About Me, just after "How I Made Gumbo Twice This Year Already And It Was Awesome Both Times" and just before "My Immense And Selfless Modesty"). However, I will share my top five rules for the edification of those discerning enough to read this blog:
1. Never, ever drink instant coffee because it tastes like glue mixed with dirt and a bit of gravox.
2. If you don't understand the title of the job in the ad then you shouldn't apply for it.
3. Don't trust a man if you can't see his eyebrows.
4. Refuse all offers of friendship from the following: people who don't have earlobes, people who ignore punctuation, people with weird facial hair, people who have to buy two pairs of different sized shoes because they have one foot much larger than the other, people who bustle about, people under the age of 65 who use the phrase "of an evening", people who constantly talk about other people's "bits", people who wear brown shoes with black pants, people who wear socks and sandals, people who don't believe in evolution, people who are allergic to 6 or more things, close talkers, vegans, climate change sceptics, homophobes, racists, Basques, Spaniards, Inuits, Maltese and people from the Natal region of South Africa.
5. Never use your bum as a vase.