Thursday, September 22, 2011

Put The Goddam Toilet Seat DOWN!

I have figured out the solution to gender inequality and can't believe it has taken this long to spot something so simple! Let me walk you through it:

I was at a dinner party recently and the topic moved to the fraught and emotive debate of Toilet Seat Up vs Toilet Seat Down. The men in the room wanted to know why they should comply with the accepted social etiquette if it meant 50% of the population is unhappy with it, and I came up with a couple of pretty good answers (please try these at home):

1. Whenever a man needs to do a Number Two, he needs the toilet seat to be down. It therefore follows that the toilet seat needs to be down for something in the region of 60-70% of all toilet visits, regardless of gender, in the entire world spectrum of toilet visits.* Therefore, this 50% of the population thing is bullshit. If we are using maths as a basis for our argument the figures clearly support the toilet seat being left DOWN.

2. When a person (male or female) needs to use the toilet with the seat down they sort of have to approach the toilet backwards. Unlike the point and shoot approach of a man pissing, this is a far more complicated negotiation as one can't easily see where one is going. Common courtesy suggests that the seat should remain in the optimum position for those experiencing greater levels of difficulty approaching the toilet. After all, nobody complains about those nobbly things at the edge of EVERY SINGLE train station platform for the 6 or 7 blind people out of thousands of non-blind people who catch trains each day.

Personally, I feel the above arguments are solid (excuse pun) and compelling. The men I spoke with seemed to agree. However, I suspect not everyone will be so easy to persuade. I think most men will still gripe over the toilet seat issue because they always have done, and it's less effort to change the habit of a lifetime of pub debates. Which brings me to the main point of this blog post: I believe that the reason behind the socially acceptable stance being Toilet Seat Down is that the women do almost all of the toilet training and so they teach their sons to leave the toilet seat they way they like it. LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!!!

Gentlemen: If you would prefer the toilet seat to remain UP, the best way to make sure this happens is to nip it in the bud. Make sure you support equal pay conditions for men and women, and make sure you can get paternity leave and spent as much time at home looking after the kids as your wives do so that you can teach your boys to LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP. GENIUS!!!!!

Ladies: I'm sure we can all agree that, in exchange for equal pay, equal respect at work, equal representation on business boards and in government, equal PRCE OF HAIRCUTS FOR FUCK"S SAKE and equal distribution of household chores and childcare duties, we will all be perfectly happy to concede on the point of the toilet seat.


*excluding squat toilets, obvs.


brian vick said...

You could get the man one of these. Thought this was funny

brian vick said...
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