Hi Hiatus

Hi hello how are you good morning ciao!

I've oh so casually dropped by to post my latest blog entry after a brief little break from Felix world. What's a year or two between friends? Nothing worth posting about happened in that time anyway, except that I kicked a midwife in the head during labour. And cronuts were invented and I ate one.

So now we're all up to date, I have a juicy email to share with y'all that I totally have no business putting on the winter-nebs. Identifying details have been removed or changed, but everything else is exactly as it appeared when sent to my source's source: 

This is the most boring book I have ever read possibly and yet you saw fit to print it.
You are also publishing books that could only be labelled soft porn.

And yet you had no interest in publishing my book _ _ _ offered to you in 2009 all about my nursing training

I believe you have had a change of ownership which could explain a lot

As organizer of the _ _ _ Writers Festival, would you be interested in launching one of your authors up here?

Bronwyn Bishop

While researching this post, I was surprised to discover that the Bronwyn's book has actually been published. So I checked the national sales data, and was gratified to see the book has sold a grand total of 63 copies in 5 years. Go Bronwyn! It's almost as many copies as the book Bronwyn thinks is the most boring book she has ever read (that one has sold 2748).

If you would like to read a copy of Bronwyn's non-boring, non soft porn memoir, leave your contact details in the comments and once I've done a quick background check to ensure you are not from a rival publisher set to steal intellectual property or poach promising authors, I will let you know the book title so you can get your hands on a copy. It retails for $30.

Dreams Really Can Come True

Seriously people, don't ever give up on your dreams - you never know where they might take you. I essentially just landed a new job based almost solely on the fact that I once dressed up as a casserole.

No Means No

I have started reading the slush pile at work. Here is my response to the woman who submitted a reworked fairytale in the guise of a 'rap'. She followed up the original deathly silent non-response to her submission by resubmitting 'Rap on Cindy'* along with five more 'raps' and a comment stating that she "had no luck with the suggested submission process" so was just going to projectile email the poor receptionist her shit instead.

Dear Monica, 
I am not surprised you had no luck with the suggested submission process. 

Your work is derivative, culturally insensitive, and completely lacking in literary or commercial value. 

If you can managed to fix these issues I am sure you have a bright future as a successful published author. Keep trying! 

Kind Regards, etc ... 


*It is exactly as bad as you can imagine from the title.

Housebroken

Tallboy and I are househunting again. We are being evicted from our current abode but I don't really understand why; there was nothing on the lease that said we couldn't brew moonshine in the bath and sell it through the window so I don't know why they got so huffy. Real estate agents are SOOO narrow minded, man. It's not like we were selling to really young children or anything.

Anyway, we are looking to move to the inner west, mostly so that I can wear skirts with felt birds on the hem and not feel like a dick. But also a little bit so that we can buy some banjo folk indie fusion music and listen to it while we drink cider.  Tallboy wants to grow a beard but I think that's going a bit too far. Another reason we are not wanky posh enough for Potts Point is evidenced by Tallboy's comment from 5 minutes ago (and I am NOT making this up): "Shall I decant it? Oh I won't bother. It will decant naturally".

I am having a little trouble deciding on exactly which suburb we should choose, but I have been taking some pictures to mull over and would appreciate any feedback. I have added the best ones here for your kind perusal (bitchy, snarky, self-referential perusal is equally welcome):



Here is a picture I took in Summer Hill

And is one I took an hour later in Haberfield.

Don't Put your Foot In It!

Dear Shoe Manufacturers of the World,

What the hell do you think you're doing? I'll tell you what it looks to me like you're doing: a damn awful stink-bomb scabby scrotum of job!Why are there so many ugly-ass shoes around, and what the hell is the deal with all the tassels? Don't you realise that nobody has voluntarily sought out tassels on their shoes since 1992 - unless they happen to be a 67 year old millionaire retiree looking for yachting footwear? It just so happens that I am NOT a 67 year old millionaire retiree but I AM looking for footwear. Can I find any? Is the Pope a Buddhist?

Feet are gross enough to start with, and the point of shoes is to cover up the ugly. There is no rule stating you can't cover ugly with more ugly but it seems kind of a waste of time and money to me. And why would you cover ugly with ugly AND TASSLES??

Quite frankly, Shoe Manufacturers of the World, I am underwhelmed. You have let down not only me, but all non-millionaire retirees who have not had their feet and/or legs amputated.

The Importance Of Being Busy

If there was ever any doubt about how busy and important I am at my place of work I think today's efforts can safely put those doubts to rest: Hot DANG I am BUSY! And Lordy Moses am I one SMOKING-HOT important woman! SMOKING!!!! HOT!!!!!!!!!! Here is a rundown of all the busy and important things I did today:

Someone sent me a photo of a bunny wearing glasses and reading a book. I showed this to several people only slightly less busy and important than myself.

Someone sent me a string of photos that were of cats sleeping on dogs. I prioritized the sending of this to a number of my professional associates. 

I had a meeting with my boss. We discussed many and varied important issues including (but not limited to) the bras we wear, engagement rings, Robert Plant, tarot cards and psychics, her child, her niece, her sister in law and her mother. We did not discuss cheese as that is a frivolous topic of conversation for which neither of us have the time.

I got coffees.

I delivered a parcel.





I lent somebody a hair-tie.






I made a poor taste joke about feet and stigmata that I will not repeat here because this is my "classy" blog. But let's just say I had to take my shoes off to make the joke. And I have two tiny little cuts on my feet from a pair of sandals, that look a teeny tiny bit like stigmata due to their placement in the general vicinity of the middle of each foot... 




All in all, today made me feel more like Melanie Griffith's character Tess from Working Girl than any other day on the job, apart from the time my boss was away and I sat in her chair, and that other time when I got a really bad perm and accidentally wore a top with huge shoulder pads to work. 

I don't have TIME for this!!!

Today at work I took a phone call and was screamed at for about five minutes through the earpiece by someone who was very, very angry and upset. Something has clearly gone fucking bunta ass-hat crazy-bad with her delivery, but I was confused because it sounded to me as though all that had happened was that the books arrived in boxes she didn't like the shape of.

I had to wait for her to fully vent ("I don't have TIME for this! I mean, I really don't have time for this! It's going to take me ages to fix this!!! I'm really angry! I'm SO ANGRY!!!!!) before I could get a word in to ask for clarification.  And a good thing I did! Guess what the problem was? It turns out the books arrived in boxes she didn't like the shape of.

HELL YES!!

Today's motivational catchphrase is brought to you by FELIX! YES!!! Pump your fists in the air and repeat (in a facetiously loud voice) after me: THERE IS NO 'I' IN CAN'T. THERE IS NO 'I' IN CAN'T  THERE IS NO 'I' IN CAN'T... but there is one in shit.

I'll Have a J for Junk, Thanks Adriana

Are people who send phising emails statistically more likely to have the name Adriana? Or are the emails I received from Adriana Walker, Adriana Gonzalez and Adriana Wilson in the last month all from a bigamist?  Here is a sample of her (their) correspondence:

Hey how are you? My name is Adriana I tried emailing you a few times without any respsonse. 
anyway babes just wanted to let you know i finally got my webcam working and was wondering
if you want to cyber with me :)

I'm on my bed right now half naked and waiting for you to connect with me ... its 100% free
to chat with me and I can get you free VIP codes to chat with me here.

Hi Adriana,
Sorry I didn't respond (or, indeed, respsond if that's what you really wanted) to your previous emails but the thing is that I can't get down and dirty with people who use a lower case i when referring to themselves. It's just a weird thing that I have. 


Since my stony silence doesn't seem to have put you off, I might as well clarify a few other things you might find useful to know:


- I am too busy responding to emails from Canadian Pharmacy and Male Enhancement, not to mention FuckBook, to read yours.




 - While I appreciate your very delightful offer to chat, I don't need VIP codes to chat with my friends, so I think I'll pass; you make it all so unnecessarily complicated.


-You don't appear to have noticed from the unequivocally feminine name which makes up the first part of my email address that I am, in fact, female. What this means is that I am crushingly underwhelmed by your boast about being half naked. You see, I have no qualms about being completely naked and merely looking in the mirror.

Felix Becomes All Literary And Shit

Imagine me, if you will. sitting by a fire in a book lined room. Brandy in one hand, martini in the other, furiously typing away, with a cigar in one hand and a cup of strong black coffee in the other, a bottle of half empty wine at my elbow, a glass of sherry in my hand,  and a pipe clenched between my teeth which I periodically take out and wave about to make a point. I am writing a Book Review.  If you are able to peer over my shoulder and see through the mingled cigar and pipe smoke, this is what you would find on my computer screen:

... is the silliest book I have ever had the misfortune to read. 

It is supposedly an erotic retelling of a classic but I have been more aroused by Sweet Valley High books. 

You should grab a copy to read if you like your fiction badly paced, derivative, completely unsexy, yawningly mediocre and peppered with ridiculous, one-dimensional characters. 

As If A 9 Person Queue In The Bank Wasn't Annoying Enough

Dear Old Lady Pensioner who pushed in front of me in the queue at the bank yesterday,

There are a few things I would like to tell you:

1. You bitch! I bet you steal candy from babies too.


2. Although cardigans in general are not necessarily unfashionable, yours is. It looks like shit.


3. You pissed me off quite a bit yesterday, but then I realised that you probably only pushed in front of me because you have Altzheimer's, and actually forgot  how queues are supposed to work. 

4. You need a shave.


Regards,
Felix

Things Men Don’t Understand (A List for Women to Laugh at and A Guide for Men to Learn From)

1. Vegetables. There are lots of them and they taste delicious. Sometimes, you can eat them WITHOUT MEAT!

2. Musicals. They are awesome.  It might seem like a ridiculous idea to make a movie that is full of people jumping up and dancing about the place while singing songs at you but, let’s face it, it is no less ridiculous than a movie with Will Smith and lots of bombs and car chases in it. In fact, try to imagine a car chase scene every time there is a song and you will find watching the movie an enjoyable and entertaining experience. It won’t make any difference to your understanding of the plot, either.

3. Clothes. One always needs more.  It is quite complicated to explain exactly why this is, and there are probably loads of fancy sounding theories written up by people who have above average intelligence, no social skills, and personal lives that are about as much fun as watching dust accumulate, since they spend all their time examining society instead of participating in it, but let’s skip the detail and put it under the category of Mysterious But Important.

4. Cheese. How did that get on the list? Everybody loves cheese!

5. High Heels, Makeup and Other Time Consuming and/or Painful Looking Feminine Miscellany. Women just do that shit because other women do it and they don’t want to be told they look weird/fat/butch/ugly etc.

6. Weddings. It’s all about being the centre of attention in a huge dress. If anyone can come up with a different way to make this happen for a woman she’ll probably be perfectly content. Especially if the event also involves one or more people crying with happiness.

7. Crying With Happiness. Hmmm. This requires some thought. Please check back in a week (let’s be honest, I am never going to get around to figuring this out. If you come with a good answer then drop me a line and if it is funny, punchy and clever sounding I will write it up and claim it was my idea all along. Sound good?)

Dear Terry WetWet,
Thankyou ever so much for the kind invitation to cum check out your FucBook page. I certainly do appreciate such delightful and welcoming hospitality. Since you invited me three times, you either really want me to visit the page, or you really like multiples of three, in which case I suggest you change your surname to Wet Wet Wet. I'm going to pass your details on to Cute N HornyGirl and sex_sex_nice2 because I have a feeling you would get along well together.

Kind regards,
Felix

High Wattage

Telstra appears to be run on a special power source called Fuckwattage.

I have been without the interwebs for nearly two months and the only reason this event has not completely ruined my life is that I am not currently a participant of any online dating services.

The final chapter in this bruised and bloody saga was the technician arriving "first thing"today to finish off the job that was truncated yesterday when his drill ran out of power.  Current English language usage suggests "first thing" means 7 or 8am.  He arrived at  2.14pm.

I now plan to catch up on my facebook stalking and watching of inane videos involving small animals behaving oddly.

Dynamic, Go-Getting Multi-taskers Look No Further!

Dear Monash University Hargrave-Andrew Library,

Please consider the following feedback on your job ad for a Serials and Reserve Officer (part time)

1. I highly doubt that the successful applicant will actually be working in a “dynamic” team. It is a library for Germain’s sake, one of the few workplaces where being dynamic would be more of a drawback than an asset, unless you have developed the first library-cum-cabaret-stage space in Australia, in which case I can kind of see your point.

2. “Monash is a dynamic university”. Please – you’re writing this from a library – get a goddamn thesaurus and find another adjective!

3. “As the Serials and Reserves Officer you will be responsible for supervising the activities of others working with serials at Hargrave-Andrews Library and for liasing with staff in other locations.” Soooo… you want someone to watch other people work and to gossip with other librarians? Sounds like a sweet deal, but not especially dynamic.

4. “You will also be part of the Lending Services team and contribute to lending services, including rostered service point shifts and creating electronic reading lists.” I guess that although “rostered service point shifts” sounds to me like a car part, it is probably something librarian-y. It’s probably fairly un-dynamic too. As for creating electronic reading lists, that sounds like what I do with iTunes but using books instead of songs. I can do that! Look:

SOCIAL STATUS AND SOCIAL ISSUES IN 19^th CENTURY LITERATURE

1. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2. The Pickwick Papers – Charles Dickens
3. Little Women - Lousia May Alcott
4. The Talented Tenth – W.E.B De Bois

5. And finally: “To be successful you will have… the ability to work as part of a team or independently” What? You mean either ability will do? Well, I must say that’s pretty flexible.  As far as I am concerned I can definitely do either of those things.  I generally decide on the day which one it is I feel like.  Would that be ok?

So I guess you can consider this my dynamic application for the job. And by the way, I have been sipping a cup of tea while writing this so let's put "ability to multitask" down on my attributes list as well, shall we?

Thanks, love from Felix

Spam, Wonderful Spam!

Dear Elza Sizemore,

Thank you for taking the time to send me an email offering me a job with your company; Woodtopia Ltd.  Please forgive me if the combination of your name and your company’s name led me to believe that you were trying to sell me penis enlargement products. As it is, I don’t have a penis and I am not interested in obtaining one.

Kind Regards, Felix

If The Shoe Fits...

Walking through Kings Cross the other night it struck me that the young women of today are a little confused in the footwear department. Why do they all suddenly seem to be wearing shoes that look like armchairs?
 Not sure what I'm talking about? Well imagine a couple of these on your feet:

At times I am prone to exaggeration but this is a fairly accurate representation of what I am seeing on the streets these days.  It is hard enough for the poor dears to walk in them but watching them attempt to dance in utterly tragic; they look like epileptic ponies.

I spent some time pondering what I have just written here and it felt weirdly unfinished like there was something more to add... and then I realised: people don't conclude conversations with mere words these days, they have to use hashtags to sum up what they have just used words to say. #epilepticponies #hashtag

Christ On A Bike?

Apparently Christ isn't always on a bike, today he is wearing a white coat and wielding the scalpel at my local dental surgery. I am trying to find a dentist a bit closer to home than my old one and because I have a dental phobia my criteria are slightly odd

FYI the criteria are:
1. must not have a Greek surname unless female because the thought of big, fat, hairy fingers in my mouth is so horrific that I can't even contemplate the idea that the dentist may be of the tall, tan, Adonis type, just in case
2. must not advertise "our dental directors" because that sounds bloody expensive to maintain and I am not interested in contributing
3. Must have studied at an English speaking university because I want to understand readily and without deciphering thick accents exactly how much pain I will be in and for how long
4. (admittedly difficult to ascertain) Must be impartial to and NOT passionate about the subject of cars or similarly boring subjects.  My dental phobias stem from the time the anaesthetic didn't work and I spent an hour in agony listening to the dentist drone on about how awesome Volvos are.

And now back to my search: I find a listing for a dental surgery in the CBD, click on the link to the website and a song starts to play. Seems a bit of a poncy thing to do, plus the music sounds like total shit so I decide that I can't possibly see a dentist who has such terrible taste in music but before I have a chance to turn it off I catch the lyric and am arrested in horror:

Give thanks with an open heart
Give thanks to the holy one

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? You think that forgoing faith in Science and the Medical profession is OK as long as you profess faith in a non physical entity of dubious reality?
I am NOT putting my faith in God when it comes to anything, but most especially not situations involving DRILLS in my MOUTH.  Put simply, nothing could be calculated to terrify me more.

Mysteries Of The Universe

I've been doing some deep thinking lately and have reached the conclusion that there are certain things in this world that I will never understand. I have complied a list:

1. Deleuze
2. Leafblowers

Overheard in a (rival) Bookshop

Customer: Do you have, am not sure of  title in English but I think it is The Prince. Do you have The Prince? Do you know it?

Sales Assistant: I don't know that one. Is it about a prince?

Customer: Yes! Is about prince!

Sales Assistant: It's about Prince?

Customer: Yes!!

Sales Assistant: If we did have a book about Prince it would be in the music section but I can tell you now we definitely don't have it because I've just been in the music section and it's not there. Sorry!