The Farmer Wants A General Dogsbody

I figure that nobody apart from me would watch crap like this, so taking a whole week to post about it really isn’t going to matter.

Q. what do you call a fugly pig dog when you are trying to make him sound at least vaguely appealing?
A. “Rough Diamond James”. It’s the human equivalent of “renovator’s dream”.

Q. What do you cook to impress the ladies if you are a “rough diamond”?
A. “chicken a la tinnie”. In other words, he actually shoved a can of beer up the chicken’s lady garden in place of the more traditional bread and onion stuffing.

I can’t be expected to remember all their names, so I’ll refer to most of the guys as variations on the theme “Farmer James”. At the other end of the spectrum from “Rough Diamond James” is “Wealthy Farmer James”. This is cheating a bit because he runs a winery, not a farm. The show’s producers make sure there are lots of shots where he is walking past a castle-like building and swilling wine in his glass and just generally looking expensive and unaffected by drought. He’s still a fugly pig dog though.

Wealthy Farmer James is faced with the difficult task of choosing a trophy wife from two identical looking women. He seems unimpressed by Kristy (not sure on the spelling: it’s probably Krystii or something) whose single talent is to fold a cloth napkin so that it looks like a chicken. She might have had better luck with Rough Diamond James. In the end, however, it seems he is put off not by the fact that she is a complete bimbo, but by the fact that she might want to have a career (as a model, naturellement).

Meanwhile, over on Farmer Howie James’ farm, Farmer Howie James is deciding that another Kristy might not be the right woman for him. “Why?” I hear you ask – well, because she didn’t want to put her hand up a cow’s arse. I haven’t been on a date for a while, but I didn’t realise the etiquette had changed so much. It did put things in perspective for me though. I started a new job last week, and every time someone apologised for how dull or boring the work was, I knew that it could be worse: at least I wasn’t expected to stick my hand up a cow’s arse.

I think it's really nice and wholesome when you can learn an important lesson like the one above (gratitude for your lot in life, in case you missed it) so I'm signing off now to see if this week's episode (screening in a couple of hours) will be as good.