Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Don’t Be A Dick!

These are recounts of actual conversations Peter Fitzsimmons has had. I was present for both of them. This is not a story or an exaggeration of any kind but rather a reportage designed to display Peter’s personality with no commentary necessary from me, as well as one comment from The Eye for which I must give snaps.

(If you are reading this because you googled yourself can I say 2 things? First: I'm not surprised. Second: Everyone thinks you're a tossbag, but they are all too intimidated to say it to your face).

The Eye: Oh hello there!

PF: Don’t ‘hello’ me when you haven’t got my book on the shelf!

The Eye: Oh. I just sold one yesterday; it hasn’t come back in yet.

Random Customer: Yes there is. I’m sure I saw a copy. Let me show you.

RC and PF walk over to history section where RC does indeed find a copy of one of PF’s books. Upon returning to the counter RC introduces himself and says he enjoyed PF’s books. PF offers RC his PINKIE FINGER to shake.

The Eye: We’ve got lots of your new book on order.

PF: Really? How many?

The Eye: Over 100. Well over 100. And we’ll get more in if you do a signing for us.

PF: Oh really? So that’s your instinct is it? You think you’ll sell that many?

The Eye: Yes. Your books always do very well here.

The conversation continues in a similar fashion for a few sections (ie Burst of ego/ Stroke ego/ Burst of ego/ Stroke ego) then PF leaves.

The Eye (to me): “Oh that’s your instinct is it?” What else was I going to say? He walks up and down the street telling people to go and buy his book! We have people coming in saying “oh I just bumped into Peter Fitzsimmons and he told me to buy his book”. Of course we’re going to sell plenty. Do I need a crystal ball?


The Only Gay in the Village: I saw you on the telly last night!

PF: Oh really? What was I on?

TOGITV: It was that 20 to 1 show.

PF: What was I talking about?

TOGITV: you were talking about Pauline Hanson.

PF: Was I good?

TOGITV: Yes you were.

PF: I tell you what, I find Pauline Hanson bloody attractive.

There are so many things wrong with the above conversation, not the least of which is that PF’s two children were trailing miserably behind him at the time and heard the whole thing.

An update on the saga that is The Crazy Workplace will be forthcoming. It's all too depressing to bother typing out just yet.


Anonymous said...

Oh god. I don't know whether to laugh or cringe.

Felix for Zosia said...

I usually end up doing a bit of both at the same time. Just make sure you're not eating anything because it's very easy to choke with the facial contortion that ensues...