I Didn't Sign Up For This

The Eye’s need for control is out of control. The other day I left a chart for someone explaining the ins and outs of a huge pile of books. Apparently this is unacceptable behaviour. The Eye hunted down every single person who had worked over a 2 day period to ascertain who the culprit was. Upon discovering it was me, I was given a talking to. Heavens to Betsy!!!

Here is a little roundup of conversations I have with a frequency that bores me to tears:

About once a day:
“Is there a public toilet near here?”
“Yes. Go to the corner and cross the road and you’ll see it”.
“Oh my goodness is that the closest one? That is so far away! My trust fund bones are way too fragile for such a distance. My sense of entitlement is sorely affronted!”

About once a week:
“Is that the only copy you have?”
“No. We have a secret underground cave where we keep the real stock, but we only show it to people who know the password”.

Almost every single transaction, which means about 50 times a day:
“Are you in the loyalty program?”
“Yes”.
“What is you surname?” [I only ask because my powers of intuition have momentarily failed me. You could just tell me your name from the start, but then we couldn’t have this 15 second interval that allows you to feel pampered and important]

And finally, the hot off the presses news is that the cd we have been listening to this week is called “Songs Zosia Hates”. It’s a really incredible collection, let me tell you! I don’t appreciated being asked – through song – what I have done today to feel proud. Once a day would be bad enough, but I have been asked that fucking question every 45 minutes for 8-hour stretches. There is also some stupid Whitney Houston song on there that is basically the same line repeated over and over with a key change every 20 seconds. I have never hated key changes so much in my life. I also understand why her sister wanted to kill her in The Bodyguard.

I probably don’t even need to mention the fact that there is a Bryan Adams track on there, because it’s like some universal law that anywhere a crappy collection of early nineties music is collected, he will feature in the mix. In thousands of years after our civilization has died out and the remnants of it are discovered by aliens, they are going to understand seminal ideas about our society through the music of Bryan Adams.