I only have two rules in life: I don’t do boring and I don’t do stupid. There is a new girl at the crazy workplace who is named after a cheese, and she is the most boring person I have ever met. The boredom just seeps out of her and infects the air around her in a somnambulant haze of ennui. At first I thought it was just me being judgemental and unchristian but I soon found out that all the cool kids think she is boring too, and they have nicknamed her The Dullard. The Spy was so desperate to avoid the tedium of a bus trip in The Dullard’s company that she decided it was preferable to look at bread through a bakery window for a quarter of an hour until the next bus came.
As many of you know (because I never shut up about it), I was once diagnosed with boredom. Having your former disease come to life and parade around you in a pair of flat shoes, a plain skirt and a solid belief in her superiority is not especially pleasant. Yes, ok, I wear flat shoes too but on me they are not boring. In fact, now that I think about it I realise that everyone at the crazy workplace wears flat shoes but they are only thunderingly boring on The Dullard. I don’t know why; she just has that effect on everything she touches. Probably Cirque de Soleil would be boring if she went to it.
As well as being boring she is ambitious. This is a pretty frightening combination when you think about it; it’s like she was born to be middle management in a large accounting firm. So while The Dullard is not exactly stupid, I think her ambition will blind her into doing some stupid things. I certainly hope so, or I will soon run out of bitchy things to write about her and that is no fun at all. As a consequence, I am heading off to work today in a positive mood as I anticipate her future encounters with The Only Gay in the Village, Tanty Man, Major Dick and The Eye.