Dear Natalie Bassingthwaite

Dear Natalie Bassingthwaite,

I have never really been a fan of your work, but things have got to the point where I really feel I need to pull you aside to have a word.

Let's get the ancient history out of the way first. I am not a fan of Neighbours so of course you pissed me off there.

When you joined The Rogue Traders they turned to shit.

Then you got your first stint at TV hosting, in the form of Girlband (a TV show nobody has heard of except those people who have listened to me explain it). You were crap. You read all your lines as though you were reading a Shakespeare play to a bunch of 7 year olds, putting emotion into phrases that deserved none (eg Melancholy while saying "the girls have recorded their first song").

You're doing that again now on So You Think You Can Dance Australia. It's irritating. It's nauseating. It fills me with murderous rage. But what I really can't stand is how you are the best friend and confidant to all the contestants. What about a bit of professional distance? You really, really need to stop hugging people, and giving them words of (empty) advice when they cry.

Please just stick to Neighbours, because I don't watch it so you can do what you like there without bothering me. Or if you like, you could co-host Gardening Australia, because I don't watch that either. Thanks.

Love from Felix for Zosia