Doing my Bit For Society

Peter Fitz Slime-Ons, I'd just like to let you know that I strayed from professional demeanor and told a few customers yesterday how much I dislike you.  To one person, I said "He's probably my least favourite person in the world".  Tallboy thought this a bit extreme but as I pointed out "I haven't met Kim Jong Il so I don't really know what he's like".

Work Schmork

Yesterday at work I got called "a very pleasant human search function".  Not really sure I can add anything to that one...

I also had to fax a far flung post office twice (on behalf of someone we sent a parcel to) because they have a phone/fax line that nobody can call them on since it is always switched to fax. They only have the one line. Way to go, Australia Post! If I were chirpy enough to think of an appropriately rude and ironic award  then I would bestow one on you.  As it is, I am far too grumpy, bitter and down trodden to be bothered.

I suspect I may be in need of a holiday.  There are always teeny, tiny little clues to working out when this is the case so perhaps we can review the evidence together and see where I'm at on the Need A Holiday Meter: Yesterday, I wrote on a piece of paper "I am sick of humanity".  I also said to a colleague "I am sick of books, I am sick of people and I am sick of bookshops and I hate everything and I don't care anymore".  Whatcha reckon?

Deck The Halls

Dear Person Who Invented Industry Christmas Parties,

Thankyou!

What a truly wonderful idea.  I went to one last week and had my annual 3 minute conversation with a number of people.  Now I feel all virtuous, and chuffed with the knowledge that we don't need to speak again for another 12 months. Delightful!

Keep me posted on your inventions, especially if you come up with anything regarding annoying work colleagues.

Love, Felix for Zosia

This Just In...

Is my memory failing me, or did Whitney Houston used to be married to Australian Greens senator Bob Brown? Coz I also thought that he was gay... confused...

Sweeny Todd

The other day at work I was talking about a pub I had been to recently.  In trying to give an impression of what it was like I said "from the outside it looks like somewhere where you might get stabbed, but the inside is actually quite nice".  Without missing a beat, one of my colleagues said "is that Sweeneys?"

He was dead right, and the funny thing is, I still can't work out what exactly contributes to the general aura of "you-will-get-stabbed-ness.  I mean, there isn't even a sign that says "No shirt, no shoes, no service" which, I find, always flags concern.  I pass it on average about 4 times a week and have never seen any hideously drunk or injured people scattered on the pavement nearby, there's no 80s rock blasting from the interior, there are no bullet holes or broken windows... I guess it's just one of life's great mysteries.

I Am A Wanker Hipster

Yes kids, I'm sorry but I'm afraid it's true. For a while I thought I was safe from this peril because I don't have a beard and I don't wear my pants ever so slightly rolled up at the cuff but the evidence has been accruing at an alarming rate. Judge for yourselves:

1. I have an iPhone.

2. When I write "iPhone" I make sure to spell it with a small i and capital P

3. Much like Romy (or Michele) from the cinematic classic Romy and Michele's High School Reunion was "familiar with the entire Versace Line", I am familiar with the entire Apple line.

4. I own and listen to music by both Gillian Welch and Miles Davis.

5. I drink a lot of boutique tea and "good" coffee.

6. I live in Potts Point.

These things taken individually may only imply mild hipster tendencies; two or three together might still leave room for reform. Unfortunately, I crossed the line today and there really is no going back:

7. I have just ordered a new pair of glasses. The frames are made of acetate and cut with laser to look like wood.

If I wasn't so goddamn excited about my new purchase I would weep for what I have become. From now on, (whether or not I wear tan coloured brogues without socks, or weird, ugly, 80s-esque baggy clothes) I will be branded as a hipster like a deer is marked as prey by a hunter.

Put The Goddam Toilet Seat DOWN!

I have figured out the solution to gender inequality and can't believe it has taken this long to spot something so simple! Let me walk you through it:

I was at a dinner party recently and the topic moved to the fraught and emotive debate of Toilet Seat Up vs Toilet Seat Down. The men in the room wanted to know why they should comply with the accepted social etiquette if it meant 50% of the population is unhappy with it, and I came up with a couple of pretty good answers (please try these at home):

1. Whenever a man needs to do a Number Two, he needs the toilet seat to be down. It therefore follows that the toilet seat needs to be down for something in the region of 60-70% of all toilet visits, regardless of gender, in the entire world spectrum of toilet visits.* Therefore, this 50% of the population thing is bullshit. If we are using maths as a basis for our argument the figures clearly support the toilet seat being left DOWN.

2. When a person (male or female) needs to use the toilet with the seat down they sort of have to approach the toilet backwards. Unlike the point and shoot approach of a man pissing, this is a far more complicated negotiation as one can't easily see where one is going. Common courtesy suggests that the seat should remain in the optimum position for those experiencing greater levels of difficulty approaching the toilet. After all, nobody complains about those nobbly things at the edge of EVERY SINGLE train station platform for the 6 or 7 blind people out of thousands of non-blind people who catch trains each day.

Personally, I feel the above arguments are solid (excuse pun) and compelling. The men I spoke with seemed to agree. However, I suspect not everyone will be so easy to persuade. I think most men will still gripe over the toilet seat issue because they always have done, and it's less effort to change the habit of a lifetime of pub debates. Which brings me to the main point of this blog post: I believe that the reason behind the socially acceptable stance being Toilet Seat Down is that the women do almost all of the toilet training and so they teach their sons to leave the toilet seat they way they like it. LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!!!

Gentlemen: If you would prefer the toilet seat to remain UP, the best way to make sure this happens is to nip it in the bud. Make sure you support equal pay conditions for men and women, and make sure you can get paternity leave and spent as much time at home looking after the kids as your wives do so that you can teach your boys to LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP. GENIUS!!!!!

Ladies: I'm sure we can all agree that, in exchange for equal pay, equal respect at work, equal representation on business boards and in government, equal PRCE OF HAIRCUTS FOR FUCK"S SAKE and equal distribution of household chores and childcare duties, we will all be perfectly happy to concede on the point of the toilet seat.

EVERYBODY WINS!!!!!!



*excluding squat toilets, obvs.

Dogs For Dictators

I have had a brainwave. I've designed a program that will actually bring about world peace; it is breathtaking in its audacity and shocking in its simplicity. It is: Dogs For Dictators! (drum roll and brass fanfare please).

If every evil dicatator in the world were given a pet dog upon whom they could lavish love, I think their desire to thwart, rape, pillage and ethnic cleanse would evaporate. The dog would be so cute and bouncy (incontinent, smelly, grumpy 15 year old blind dogs need not apply) that the dictators would realise there is more to life than being so mean and shouty.

Just imagine how different the world would be today if Pol Pot had had a Pomeranian, or if someone had given The Fuhrer a French poodle. Before the world gets any worse, let's organise a Kelpie for Kim Jong Il, and some fluffy white Maltese terriers for Robert Mugabe.

Cash donations gratefully accepted.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I'm going to make a bold statement here, but I think the reason Johnny Depp grew that ridiculous moustache and long hair was because he got sick of being mistaken for k. d. lang. You might think they don't really look much like one another, and I agree with you but the thing you've got to remember is that there are quite a lot of incredibly stupid people in the world.

For example, the number of people who want to buy or look at the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and can't manage to get the three words of the title in the correct order outnumbers the people who can by about 550 bazillion percent. It's an even worse statistic than the number of people who think Tony Abbott and Peter Costello used to be a comendy duo from Hollywood's Golden Era.

Also, scientists are very stupid when it comes to inventing things that would make my life easier and better. I am still waiting on square pigs, see-through wine casks with level markers up the side, and a couch that feels like someone is hugging you with optional mock-hand back-stroking appendage (for those lonely Winter nights)... I am far too busy coming up with the ideas to work on the details. Also, I am quite busy drinking beverages and watching Project Runway and having to walk the long way around to get home so I can avoid the stairs.

Where Too Much Talent Is Never Enough

As usual, the long and silent break from blogging has been due to my busy schedule; this time, I have been working on a large and utterly un-important but much fun project with a number of collaborators. We have written a book! Ok, I'll be honest: we have written as much of a book as you can in one night when wine and food consumption was also taking up valuable time. The fruits of this project will soon appear on the lustrious space that is Felix For Zosia. In the meantime, a word from Billingual Jane (part of the team): "Molto sexuale. Quanto pasta. Ok we have to think of a good ending... coz we're at dessert!"

Why Is Everything So Hard?

Ok, there is a lot of really shitty frustrating stuff in my life right now, but I have realised that there isreally only one thing that needs to happen which will fix almost everything:

Breed square pigs.

I was making a ham sandwich the other day, and my piece of ham came in a big, double smoked, fatty circle of meat. My bread was square. The two shapes did not fit and I wasted precious seconds (that could have been used more efficiently, like by coming up with a cure for cancer or something) folding and ripping the ham to fit on the bread. If the ham came in a square shape to begin with I would have produced a delightful sandwich AND discovered the cure for cancer and the reason this didn't happen is all the fault of the lazy, dullard pig farmers who need to get their shit together.

I Speak A Clear English

I love to search the job ads when i can't think of anything to write on my blog - it is so easy to find material. I am just going to cut and paste this one as I think you can't mess with genius and it's perfect all on its own":

Profetional Food Runner

Must have worked at least five years in hospitality,if not we can provide you with a certficate trought Tafe if u r Australian resident .If u r not u must have working visa and have a great knowledge of the itlian cuisine
Must have a good understanding of English and speak a clear English.
We need a long therm commitment from who takes on the job
If u r a team player send in your resume

Also, if you are semi-literate in at least one language (it doesn't matter which one as we won't be able to understand you anyway), we'd love to hear from you. Must be a team player, dynamic, able to work as part of a team, dynamic, dynamic and knowledgeable in either basic food preparation or sewer drainage.

Secret Love Children Exposed!!!

I know I haven't posted on this thing properly for ages, but I have been doing some serious undercover research. Here is what I found out:


SJP had a baby that she thought was stolen by a dingo:






Not quite sure what Liza Minnelli was doing while she was married to Peter Allen but presumably she had to get rid of the evidence (which became Julian Cleary)



And finally... Layne Beachley's long search for her natural birth mother has finally ended:

"oh you can smell the nerd"

Thus spake Juicebar as we walked past a gaming shop at closing time and all the staff swarmed out together. Each one was so different and unique, yet so very, very nerdy. There was one of every kind: the girl with thick glasses and unnatural, bright hair; the pale and wan young man in dusty black who looks as though he has not been out in the sun since his christening; the young man who would be pale and wan yet is cowed with a rampant affliction of acne, and possibly also a skin allergy; the Asian geek with thin, square glasses frames designed in 1991 and an IQ so high he is left unable to boil an egg or figure out how the washing machine works; and finally the guy with the long pony tail who always tucks his shirt into his pants and never wears jeans. Really, they were Spice Girls of Geek.

Girl Power

As I lay in bed staring at the ceiling the other day, I got to thinking about how the feminists are leaving too many stones unturned. The battle for changing "manhole" to "personhole" has, I feel, been lost but that is no reason to give up the fight for equality on other words. Perhaps more women would take up a person-dolin than a mandolin?

Further to this, why are there not cuntroaches as well as cockroaches? While I know that a rooster is male, surely the noise it makes ought not be gender specific, so I encourage all and sundry to do away with "cock-a-doodle do" and instead embrace (at least 50% of the time) "cunt-a-woowoo do" or, if you prefer: "cunt-a-front-bottom do" or "cunt-a-vajayjay-do".

What's The Matter Walter - Chicken?

I think I am fairly balanced and fair, and I wouldn't call myself a snob or anything, but I have to say there are loads of things better about PoPo, our new hood, than the shit-encrusted, poxy rat-hole we lived in before. Ok, maybe I am being just a tiny bit dramatic. In actual fact, I can only think of two things that are better in PoPo: real estate agents and chicken carcasses. Other than that, things remain largely unchanged in my lifestyle.*

But I don't want to give the impression that these are minor changes, because not having to deal with Walter the Farting Dog (our former real estate agent) has put years on my life. As for the chicken carcasses, well... I could explain that one but it isn't quite so funny.


*Usually this word means one of 3 things: homosexuality, sexual promiscuity, or interior design. I just want it to mean "the style of my life".

What a To Do!

Writing a To Do list when drunk may be entertaining, but it probably isn't particularly useful. Here is mine from the other day:

-Google: Quentin/wheelchair
-Washing machine
-Walter Mathau and Fidel Castro in a New York apartment

Public Transport Always Entertains

Overheard on the bus:

Teenager 1 "St Slutstica's"

Teenager 2 "What?"

Teenager 1 "Slutstica's. There's a school called St Scholastica's and we always used to call them "St Slutstica's"

Teenager 2 "That's not very nice!"

Teenager 1 "Yeah I know. But they're all sluts".