Cleavage Occasion #2

It's official - I think I'm hilarious. I am the only person among my swirls and eddies of friends and acquaintances (to my knowledge) who grabs a pen and writes down something someone said that I think is funny. The other day I found a beer coaster with this little nugget on it; I think it's a couple of years old:

Just because you have a crooked cleavage doesn't mean you're interesting

Yes, Flo, I was talking about you. Your parents might have given you a boob job to celebrate your sensational year 12 results, which were good enough to get you into Law, but the new boobs were far from sensational. Your cleavage is CROOKED. I do admire the fact that you shamelessly show your baps off with aplomb anyway, despite the fact that they look like crap*, but, just for the record, I'd rather not have to speak to you. This has nothing to do with the fact that you have crooked boobs, and more to do with the fact that you are boring, and have an irritating voice.

*Bap and crap rhyme, so this must be true.

Highlights: The Farmer Wants A Housekeeper/Cook/Mother

Apparently, The Farmer Wants A Wife is wholesome family entertainment, because it is about the eternal search for love. If I wasn't distracted by all my cringing at things like the farmer who likes one girl better because she did a load of washing for him,
then I might consider counting how many times the host uses the word in her current affairs-esque pitch modulating voice.
Along with overuse of the word "love" as opposed to the patently more appropriate "desperate", "bored" or "lukewarm attraction" (depending on context), we also know this is not a shameless attempt to take advantage of people's insecurities and loneliness because they talk a lot about Emotions. For example:
3rd Grossest Farmer, on what it's like with 2 girls in his house (he never mentions "creepy" but I guess that's too obvious, even for him): "It's hard. Emotions and feelings, and having to deal with that stuff. Blokes don't deal with that sort of stuff, we go out and dig holes and stuff."

Essay Gold

ESSAY GOLD

Huzzah! I have been promising this post to some people for a few days now. Here it is.

In case there was ever any doubt as to whether or not I have ethics, I will take this moment to clarify: I have no ethics. Here are some examples from the essays I am currently marking, that have caused much hilarity. I usually include a few ESL ones (unfair, I know, but as you may be aware, I have no ethics). However, this time I really didn't need to, the native English speakers did a great job unaided... [my comments in brackets like this]

Surfs Up might appear to be another penguin movie [yawn. The sense of ennui is overwhelming. ANOTHER penguin movie? you ask, despairing]

Like an instrument, sounds have their own specific timbre, for example, sparrows, and storms.

After two months under the constant care of his vigilant parents, and the constant kindly shelter of the nest, the cockatiel chick becomes a fledgling. His plumage fully formed, his legs strong, his eyes wide and bright, his beak and claws hardened, he sits resplendent and youthfully curious on the edge of his aboreal home. And there he contemplates the natural wonder that will one day become a daily occurance to him, the wonder of flight. So too sits the body of critical theory surrounding the analysis of film sound.

we personify all of the characters in the helicopters. [I *think* this one is supposed to be "identify with", but you never can tell]

[A word of warning. If this essay writer is telling the truth, I don't recommend you see the Transformers movie] The audience is left literally blown away by the creation of power and impact experienced by the mixing of the sound effects.

[Although if you are prepared to brave that, there are apparently some nice scenes for the gourmets and gourmands out there] ...in the dessert scenes of Transformers artificial winds and metallic rustling are used...

What upsets me about all of this is that for some of these kiddies, it is the last essay they will ever write, therefore, it demonstrates the pinnacle of their academic achievments.

What incredules* me is the number of people who make the cliched mistakes. I had 2 or 3 people use "wether" which they now know thanks to my caustic comments is a castrated male sheep.

• The author of this post reserves the right to invent words for purposes including, but not restricted to: amusement, clarification, obfustication and bloggolation.

Is Infantile

I went to a BBQ last night, in a suburb far, far away. I was contemplating an AFD but as soon as I turned around in my seat to see that we passed a sign that said "To Sydney" I knew I needed a drink. It was a housewarming and there are pros and cons to the house. Obviously, first con is that you need map, compass and water supply to get there. But the pro is the beautiful big rooms, huge windows and back garden. But the second con is that all three residents each pay more for their rooms than my flatmates and I do. In my case, $50 a week! So The score is: Far Away Suburb- nil, Tower - one.

Anyway, there was this guy who sat near me and a few minutes into the convo decided that he was going to begin every sentence with the word "is". He encouraged me to do the same. Now I know that book larnin and street smarts are not always the same thing, so the 500 or so years I have spent at university (none of which included maths) are often useless in understanding the logic in such suggestions. I asked him "why?" and he replied "is because it's fun". I demured. He insisted. I left.

Delta is The New Celine

I am so fashion forward:
http://music.ninemsn.com.au/blog.aspx?blogentryid=35694&showcomments=true

Fashion renegades, disbelieve me at your couture-peril.

The PhD Wants A Husband

I have a great idea for a new reality TV show - it will be to find me a husband, because I have decided that is what I really want. I might wait to see if someone gives me one for Christmas, then it'll be full steam ahead meetings with Endemol. It will be great because it's that whole rags to riches thing. So far I have the promo pretty much designed. I will be standing in my apartment with a big glass of wine in hand, and sweep my arms across the view from the window while saying "Take me away from all this!" dramatically yet quite sexily. This will work well because it will show the viewers at home how terrible my single life is, because I have...oh yeah, a fabulous $3 million dollar view of the harbour... hmmm maybe this needs some fine tuning.

Well maybe instead of being in front of the harbour, I could be sitting in a pub with all my fabulous friends... er, but that's kind of cool too...maybe sitting in the SUN with...

It is actually much harder than I thought to make my life look really miserable and desperate. But I know that it must be, because I don't have a husband, see? I did have a Cinderella moment this morning where I washed the floor, but that was only because I got a bit silly last night and poured a big glass of wine which I subsequenty decided I was too drunk to drink so put the glass in the fridge door. A good idea until somone (me) actually OPENED the fridge door...

I may have to resort to using black and white film, and Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings in the background to make even my smiles look somehow mournful.

Trends For Summer 07/08 #3

DELTA IS THE NEW CELINE

Ceriously!

Watching her on Aus Idol last night was a weird experience. She looked like a 35 year old who had Botox and surgery to look 23, and was wearing too much make-up (perhaps in an attempt to reintroduce some elasticity into her facial muscles). She is middle of the road for teenagers. A very strange concept.

Trends For Summer 07/08 #2

I braved the Newtown Festival yesterday, and have burnt shoulders as a battle scar, but I discovered a couple of interesting new trends. If you attend such a festival, there are two choices you have for fashion accesssory: a dog or a child. The best kind of dog is of a dalmation-blue heeler-ish size but should probably be a bitzer. You may or may not choose to tie a scarf around your dog's neck... Now when I say *your* dog, of course I am possibly being presumptuous, because I suspect that people hire, borrow or steal dogs for this occasion. I mean, seriously, a lot of people in Sydney live in apartments. How can they all have these (quite large) dogs? A lot of places in the Newtown area have tiny gardens, if they have gardens at all. I reckon maybe they ship them from dog farms in the outer suburbs and you can rent them for the day. But what I think is sort of amusing is that the dog as fashion accessory began with Paris Hilton on the red carpet. This is interesting for 2 reasons.
1. It's a great example of haute couture moving to pret a porter, if you will.
2. These people would be horrified to think they were following Paris Hilton in anything (well I guess anyone would)

Choice #2, the baby. I think this is indicative of the fact that people who used to live wild crazy single lives (like possibly they would dress up in skimpy nurses outfits to go clubbing, or maybe they liked to play debauched games of rude scrabble into the wee hours or stuff like that) are trying to recpture the wild crazy times, but they have to do it in daylight and with the bebe. So Newtown festival is a perfect juncture point of hip and wholesome. Or, they decided to have kids because they were following the trends from Hollywood (Angelina, Gwenyth, Mads...) Amberjee - did you have a baby for the fashionista credibility?

So, in summary: Babies are the new poodles

An Essay On The Blog

As suggested in a previous comment on this blog, I am now switiching my thesis to one on blogs, and doing what used to be my real thesis in my designated procrastination time (about 60 hours a week). Now here is where my dedication to procrastination really shines through. I have found an essay on blogs on the website "essay generator"
(http://radioworldwide.gospelcom.net/essaygenerator/). This site is brilliant for slightly bored time wasters everywhere. You type in any topic, and a random essay is instantly generated. I reproduce an edited version of the very excellent distinction quality essay that was generated for me just moments ago.

An essay on the blog
'Brilliant', 'Quite Good', 'What?', these are just some of the comments made recently in the press regarding the blog. There are many factors which influenced the development of the blog. Until recently considered taboo amongst polite society, spasmodically it returns to create a new passion amongst those who study its history. Since it was first compared to antidisestablishmentarianism much has been said concerning the blog by those most reliant on technology, many of whom blame the influence of television. With the primary aim of demonstrating my considerable intellect I will now demonstrate the complexity of the many faceted issue that is the blog.

Social Factors
Comparisons between Roman Society and Medieval Society give a clear picture of the importance of the blog to developments in social conduct. I will not insult the readers inteligence by explaining this obvious comparison any further.

Political Factors
Politics - smolitics! Contrasting the numerous political activists campaigning for the interests of the blog can be like looking at chalk and cheese.
Since the Renaissance the blog has become more and more prevalent. May it continue.

Conclusion
In my opinion the blog may not be the best thing since sliced bread, but it's still important. It enlightens our daily lives, brings glamour to an unglamorous time and it brings the best out in people.

I shall give the final word to star Stevie Morissette: 'the blog is the new rock and roll! And the new opera!'

American Woman

AMERICAN WOMAN
What is wrong with the US of A? I think most non-Americans agree that there is something rotten in the state of WalMart, and depending on who you speak to it varies in seriousness. Most people (I think - I know this is the case for me) seem a little perplexed about *why* it is so bad, and exactly *what* the root cause of it all is. Well I don't really have any answers here today, but I do have a little insight into the issues of nutrition and health that are one of the "pieces of pie*" in the country's overall malaise.

We currently have a Random American Nurse (RAN) sleeping on our fold-out couch. More details about her and her randomness in a little bit, but I'll just state now that she has many good qualities as well as a few random ones. Ok, so RAN, NLJ (housemate#1) and I decided to order pizza**. Going through the menu, it transpired that RAN didn't know what celery was. In the time that we have know her (6 days if you discount phone contact) there have been a couple of translation issues that seemed to be all in fun, so I wasn't too nonplussed, and NLJ and I tried to explain what it looked like. Fennel and Celery sound quite similar in description, so when I realised that was what she was thinking of, I said "Celery is that stuff that you put peanut butter in" and she said "OOOHHH - Peanut butter cup! We call that peanut butter cup!". The poor old vegetable is only useful as a container for some greasy, fatty condiment, it doesn't even get its own name. I weep for the future.

Ok, there are two things that put the random into Random American Nurse. The first is that she got the wrong number and accidently texted NLJ instead of a friend of hers. That is the only reason that we know her. The second is that she is an ex-Mormon from Salt Lake City. This provides fodder for some amusing stories (like the first time she tried coffee, she asked for a double esspresso; didn't want to do things by halves). But actually, the most amusing things are to do with her family, and her sister in particular. Her sister came to Australia on a mission, knocked on someone's door to preach the word and he invited her in and fell in love with her. They are engaged. He is a winemaker. He was stoned at the time. The sister has no idea - she thinks that Adelaide has a particular smell, that hangs around their house, but it is the smell of pot. I swear I am not making this up!

More RAN stories to follow in subsequent weeks, I am sure.


*Not terribly funny, but I couldn't help myself.
** Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am gluten intolerant. I was gluten intolerant at the time of the incident, but I was also drunk (see disclaimer on the previous post if you don't believe me) so had left my Better Judgement at the pub.

Me Bad At English? Unpossible!

Name: Sandilands, Kyle
Nickname: Toaster Head
Job: Judge on Australian Idol
Special Power: Stupidity
Made Up Word: Clothes-arexia

So what I want to discuss here is not so much his Special Power (although that sort of comes into it by default), but "Clothes-arexia". This word is supposed to refer to someone who choses clothes to wear that make them look terrible. When said in context, it makes sense and everyone gets what he is talking about but I spent (possibly a little too much) time thinking about this word, and it does not really seem appropriate. Anorexia is not about looking terrible by mistake. I think that Toaster Head is getting confused with Body Dismorphic Syndrome.

The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that Clothes-arexia should be the word to describe those chicks who go out in winter wearing mini skirts and boob tubes and no coats, then stand in line OUTSIDE waiting to get into a club. Because THEY think they are wearing PLENTY of clothing, and everyone around them is looking at them thinking "you poor thing, that is SO unhealthy. You really need more on"

*disclaimer: There are several words in this post that I am unsure have been spelt correctly. It's early morning and I drank a lot last night so I don't care. Thankyou*

Mashups

I am soooo bored with mashups. A really fantastically good one will still excite me but overall: yawn. Just between you, me and the blogosphere, they have been boring me for about 12 or 18 months now. They are so 2005. I was just in the middle of reading an email to our (-name deleted-) list going on and on and on and on about the latest ones he has heard, and what the dude in the record shop thinks about them and blahdy blah blah.

I am often tempted to send emails to the list along the lines of "you are all boring old farts who have dysfunctional personal lives because you spend too much time in cd shops, and then writing about what you found in said shops", but one of them might give me a job one day so I'll have to keep quiet for now.

Although at this rate nobody will give me a job because I will never finish my thesis Felix, unless I change topics entirely and write one about blogs.

Not Vary Affective

I know that I can be a bit of an over-emotionally irrational vigilante when it comes to things like grammar and punctuation, but I am happy to admit that I get things wrong sometimes. Not very often mind you, but there was, for example, an incident with a badly placed semi-colon earlier this year. However, one thing I am not so happy about is my travails with the difference between 'affect' and 'effect'. I remember very consciously making sure I learnt the difference when I was about 15 or so and I was very proud of my ability to choose the correct option in any given situation*. Unfortunately, after three-odd years of marking the essays of people who did NOT conscientiously figure out the difference between the two words at an age when their brains were still sponge-like in nature (in terms of soakability, not softness or full of holes) has unraveled my once rock solid faith in my ability to use these words. I have seen the wrong one so many times that now any time I see either I assume it must be wrong. I no longer have any idea which is which.

I have not had any coffee today either, but it is still early.

I think I want coffee.

*Yes, I know, a tragic way to spend your time, but who WASN'T tragic at the age of 15? As far as I can tell, the only people who have vibrant social lives at that age end up emaciated, bedraggled, and addicted to Crystal Meth. But they can join one of Jamie Oliver's restaurants, so there is no need to feel sorry for them.

Inappropriate Punctuation!

I know this is something I have ranted about in the past, but the overuse of exclamation marks really has the potential to amuse. I found this the other day on someone's blog:

"Phoned mum yesterday. Dennis Butler is in a bad way, poor bugger. He's in an induced coma, has had a trachioctomy and just ain't too good!"

I note, on a completely unrelated topic that I didn't drink any coffee yesterday.